Recently, the Flipside had the chance to sit down with Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy after he ran into an unoccupied bathroom stall in order to avoid a wedgie from Matt Gaetz. After assuring him that the Flipside would not hand him over to his bullies, a definitely not sobbing Speaker allowed us into the stall to talk. McCarthy confessed that he had been taking solace in his diary and had been writing the lyrics “I’m grateful all the time/ I’m sexy, and I’m kind/ I’m pretty when I cry.”

It’s no secret that Kevin McCarthy has had a rough year: 14 failed bids for Speaker to finally nab the seat on the 15th, a looming government shutdown, and a heartbreaking expulsion from the GOP House of Representatives Ultimate Frisbee league.

“Everyone is just so mean to me,” whimpered McCarthy, wiping away tears, “it’s like there’s just no place for an insurrectionist adulterer with a kind soul. These days it’s just me and Olivia Rodrigo against the world.”

The Flipside would have loved to console the war criminal further, but at that moment, the Freedom Caucus burst into the stall and proceeded to give the Speaker a swirly. As much as Flipside wanted to help, we are bound by David Attenborough’s code. Even if we morally objected to the intense and hilarious bullying of a 58-year-old corrupt congressman (we do not), we could not interfere.