On Wednesday night, every sad girl and gay rose from their slumber to stream the new song by Charli XCX Lorde. As a NOT gay person, I took a listen myself and noticed that the song was quite inappropriate and…unholy.

In the first line of the chorus, she sings about taking MDMA and smoking the “best cigarette of [her] life”…uh, promoting hard drugs? Only a few days after Easter? I don’t think so! Besides, we all know poppers are the better choice for a fun night.

You know who doesn’t promote nasty things like this…hint, it starts with a “Jesus” and ends with a “Christ.” Not only is he the holiest of all, but he’s even a better singer. Ever seen Jesus Christ Superstar? His vocals clear that girl’s cursive “New Zealand” accent any day.

New Zealand isn’t even a real place…no “Zealand” ever existed, so how can there be a “new” one? So we’re just making up places now. On the other hand, the Lord is a pure American and it’s proven in the Bible, look it up or something.

Also, Lorde barely tours, and her tickets would probably cost hundreds of dollars just for her to shush you when you try to sing. You can attend a concert of the Lord for free (and a $5 donation) every Sunday and sing your heart out. How is that not a better deal?

It’s never too late to come to the holy side. #jesusiswaitingforyou #godbless