Freshman Sees God through Complimentary Cru Glasses
âThe sunglasses definitely drew me in, but then I was being asked if I wanted a personal relationship with God in order to rid me of my sins, and I thought, âwhy the hell not?ââ
Tag Archives: Jesus
7 Things That Arenât as Great as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Hosting the Golden Globes Again
Who needs compassion and understanding between disparate societies when you can have Tina Fey and Amy Poehler in breath-taking evening gowns telling jokes to other millionaires?
I Don’t Agree with Markwell: Fraiche Cinnamon Bombs are Delicious
Our campus exploded with debate this week over the âI agree with Markwellâ campaign that was chalked across the sidewalks. While I believe that Markwell certainly has some valid points regarding theism and divinity, we must also consider that Fraiche CafĂ©âs Cinnamon Bomb cupcakes are delicious. Perhaps Jesus Christ can lead me to an afterlife of eternal happiness, but each Cinnamon Bomb leads me to spice rack nirvana when it explodes with flavorful holiness in my mouth. And He can
Jesusâ Face on Toast Turns Out to be Flesh-Eating Fungus
FRANKFORT, KY â Adam Curtis found new religious convictions Thursday when he noticed that the burn-marks on his toast formed the image of his lord and savior Jesus Christ. The âburn-marks,â however, later proved to be a new type of deadly fungus, since named Corpus devoratus. âI was scramblin’ eggs while my toast was toastin’,â said Curtis, his eyes twinkling with his recently-discovered love of God, his cheeks black and decaying with the mold that will soon cause his death.
Tebow Turns Water into Gatorade
[Future Issue: 2161] Robot Jesus Reported Crucified
AUSTIN, TX â The lifeless body of Ultra Jesus 3000 has been retrieved from a cross at the summit of Comanche Peak. The 33-month old robot, hailed as the messiah of a fringe religious cult, is suspected to have been tortured and killed by a group of fundamentalist Christians, though early reports indicate that most Texans intend to blame the Jews anyway. The enigmatic robot has been shrouded in mystery since his date of programming, and many wild and varied
SCAPE Project Interrupted By Second Coming of Christ
EVANSTON â Last Sunday Northwestern University freshmen were forced by the Evanston mayor to pretend they give a ratâs ass and volunteer in their new community through the inaugural SCAPE Project. However, the students were interrupted in their attempted philanthropy by Jesusâ return to Earth. Despite their moaning and bitching about the probable rainfall, disgruntled students, after awakening from the comas Mayor Tisdahlâs speech had put them into, were herded out into downtown Evanston early Sunday morning to âGive Back,
Dillo Day Canceled After B.o.B Unexpectedly Raptured
Students reacted to the news with varied degrees of disappointment and downright agony, their heathen souls already plagued by the forces of Satan prior to their destruction and eternal damnation.
Demos Makes Field Goal, Parts Red Sea
Stefan Demos kicked a 45-yard game-tying field goal for Northwestern Saturday as angels ascended onto Ryan Field and Jesus appeared on the sideline to give Pat Fitzgerald a high-five.
Northwestern Women’s Lacrosse Team Turns Water into Wine
EVANSTONâSeveral members of the Northwestern Womenâs Lacrosse Team, who (hopefully) just won their fifth national championship in as many years, are able to turn water into wine and perform other miracles, according to several sources close to the team. âWe went to a party to celebrate the championship,â said senior leader Hannah Nielsen, âbut it was already dry. Luckily, thatâs no problem for us. They fetched us some tap water, and the party really got started.â Attendees of the party