In a revelation that has scandalized American evangelicals and other communities suffering from elevated rates of neurosis, Jesus Christ (Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace) announced in a Xweet that the long-awaited Second Coming indeed took place midday Tuesday. However, our airspace has been conspicuously absent of glowing cadavers and Baylor University alumni ascending into the firmament because He could not locate anyone on or beneath the earth who met the entry-level requirements for rapture.

            “Idk if it was the trials or the tribulations but you are all possessing of defiled souls,” Christ wrote in a follow-up post. “The bar was so low. Any lower and we would have had to admit an entire genus of Asiatic moles as saints.”

            At the distress that His words appeared to provoke in many of His professed devotees, Christ offered to explain some of the factors which influenced this regrettable outcome. First, He revealed, most of His True Believers were disqualified on account of having previously engaged in profane verbal altercations with airline customer service representatives. In addition, He alleged that addiction to short-form video content precludes most of our population from acclimating to the holy conditions of God’s Eternal Kingdom, as everything they show there exceeds two and a half hours.

            A perceived lack of transparency regarding the Messiah’s census-taking methodology has drawn criticism from several prominent evangelical leaders. However, their complaints reportedly ceased after Christ began quote-tweeting “this you?” alongside screenshots of the sex offender registry.