On Wednesday afternoon, a female student at Porno Pizza committed the grave error of approaching the personal pie line while intending to order a slice. Eyewitnesses report that she was immediately seized and escorted to the rear of the establishment, where staff administered the punishment prescribed by the Porno Code, an adaptation of Hammurabi’s ancient legal statutes codified in grease-stained laminate.

According to witnesses, the student pleaded for leniency. “I just wanted a slice,” she reportedly said. “I didn’t know.” The pleas were disregarded. Employees proceeded with the prescribed measures before marching her unconscious body outside to witness the Code itself, displayed prominently on the cement wall beside the counter.
The Code reads:

“If a man ordereth a personal pie in the slice line, his hand shall be severed with the very pizza cutter he sought to abuse.”

“If a woman layeth claim to a slice in the pie line, the cashier shall remove her tongue, for it spoke falsely.”

“If a man’s roommate entereth the wrong line, both shall be banished, for one’s shame is shared by the house.”

“He who refuseth to step aside when ordered shall be drowned in the putrid Caesar dressing fountain.”

“If a student complaineth of wait times, the ear with which he heard the cashier’s reply shall be cut from him.”

The Code remains clear: one who errs in line placement pays not only with his meal, but with the flesh that led him astray. Such is the order that preserves Porno from chaos. “I didn’t read the Code carefully,” said freshman Leah Marks, now missing three fingers. “That one’s on me.”

Employees of Porno Pizza emphasized that they take no pleasure in enforcing mutilation, but that order cannot exist without sacrifice. Students observing the scene reportedly nodded in solemn agreement before returning to their pizzas, mindful that at Porno, the line is law—and the law is absolute.