Under intense pressure from the Trump administration, the Mexican government recently conducted a military operation which killed Nemesio Oseguera Cervantes, commonly known as El Mencho, the leader of the Jalisco New Generation Cartel (CJNG). Next in their sights: Me, El Muncho. 

Yep, me. You’re probably wondering how I got into this situation. Well, I am too. 

But I think I’ve figured it out. 

El Mencho was the head of Mexico’s most powerful drug cartel, the CJNG, for which he earned the scorn of the U.S. and Mexican governments, and, eventually, a bullet. Similarly, I’ve been the head of a cartel of sorts. A cartel of head, if you will. 

I’ve been carrying the moniker El Muncho for quite some time. You get a little too amorous with somebody in the passenger seat of a 2002 Subaru WRX outside of a Denny’s ONE TIME, and suddenly, it’s all you can ever be known for. 

It’s not the worst thing in the world to be associated with (Epstein), but it does lead to its fair share of awkward situations. If I had a dollar for every time somebody tried to give me their number or try to take me into the bathroom at a party, I’d be able to afford Northwestern tuition on my own now. 

And that’s the issue; this is a matter of grave national security to the Mexican government. If all their women get distracted by me and my reputation, who’s going to be around to lead their country or operate their nuclear power plants? I bet you thought I was going to say, “who would do all their cooking?”Sexist. 

So, to all my fans, I’m going to be going into hiding somewhere where the Mexican military or CIA can’t find me. Now I won’t say where that is, but it might start with Ca- and end with -bo.