As news of the death of former Vice President Dick Cheney made its way to Iraq, the Weapons of Mass Destruction began to emerge from hiding after a 22-year disappearance.

            “We’ve waited so long for this moment,” said Nuuk Kyler, one of the recently resurfaced WMDs. “We never thought we’d see the day. Now, with Dick Cheney dead, John Bolton indicted, and Hans Blix too old to find us, we are finally free!”

            Although the WMDs have long been thought to be nonexistent, in actuality, they were on the lam for over two decades. “We were hiding out in the Tora Bora Mountains until 2011,” said Adam Mik, another one of the recently resurfaced WMDs. “We found out that Osama was hiding there and decided to join him.”

            After US Navy Seals killed Bin Laden in 2011, the WMDs reached a deal with Ayatollah Khamenei to flee to Iran in order to fool Western intelligence agencies into believing that Iran was close to having nuclear weapons.

They remained in Iran until May 2025, when the WMDs fled back to Iraq and hid in Shanidar Cave. They learned that Saddam Hussein, their previous owner, had been executed in 2006. Upon this discovery, they considered themselves to be free agents, and upon hearing about Dick Cheney’s passing, can now safely enter the market.

            “We hired the Taliban negotiators who were invited to Camp David to represent us in negotiations,” said Mik. “We’re talking marketing deals, advertisements, celebratory explosions, all that good stuff. You’ll have to see what we, the Iraqi WMDs, have in store next!”