After the Chicago Bears’ brutal overtime loss to the Los Angeles Rams ruined their chances of advancing into the playoffs, the most diehard Bears fans–many of whom have not felt joy since 1985–concocted a scheme so crazy it might just work.

On Monday, January 19th, just one day after the loss, Chicago’s 6th and 16th Wards approved a plan to forcefully facilitate the release of rapper Durk Devontay Banks from prison in exchange for his service in assassinating the Rams’ star quarterback Matthew Stafford. Banks is currently held in a Los Angeles jail while awaiting trial for his involvement in several murder-for-hire plots against rivals, as well as for a first-degree charge of “being from the south side.”

Penny D. Colewoman, Alderwoman of Chicago’s 16th ward and the primary architect of the plot, has claimed that Banks will be broken out of jail by “specially trained Englewood commandos—real guys raised by 67th and 69th.”

“From there,” she continued, “he will uphold his end of the arrangement, punish Los Angeles, and then disappear into the sunset, never again to be seen or heard from” (Reportedly, another condition of this agreement was that Banks stop torturing the world with his ass music).

Adding to this, 6th Ward Alderman Bill Room said, “the glorious region of Greater Grand Crossing will not allow for such disrespect against her motherland Chicago. We will execute, by any means necessary, the enemies of this great state.”

The proposal seems to have gained additional support from Chicago’s executive branch. In an official letter to the City Council, Mayor Brandon Johnson said of the plan, “We in Chicago are not out to hurt anyone (unless you live on the south or west sides. Fuck you in that case). However, what must be understood is that you cannot disrespect our national hero Caleb Williams and expect it to go unanswered.”

The Los Angeles City Regime Office has declined to comment on the ongoing situation.