Leading up to this year’s midterms, people across the nation worry about results in Texas, Maine, and beyond. Over in the National Guard-occupied territory of Washington, DC, people were voting on matters that are actually consequential to the future of democracy: whether we should ban foie gras. 

If you’re not hip, foie gras is a delicacy made from duck or goose liver. Okay. Fine. If you want to get technical, its tastiness comes from overfeeding the bird. However, it is our gosh-dang American right to force-feed cute little birds. What’s next? We aren’t allowed to shoot dogs anymore? That’s just dictatorial. 

Dare I say that the ban is racist? Against French people. French rural code states, “Foie gras belongs to the protected cultural and gastronomical heritage of France.” Only monsters would attempt to erase the gastronomical heritage of France. 

Foie gras is a testament to human ingenuity. In ancient times, some brave fellow discovered that the largest intestinal organ of that weird thing with feathers tasted delicious if he held its neck and jammed food down its throat. Nowadays, we can’t even eat eggs without some liberal asking if we would still scramble it if it were our kid. 

Without representation in Congress, the people of DC are so desperate to feel important that they feel the need to police the bodies of fowl. Maybe the residents should mind their own cherry blossoms and worry about finding financial security so they don’t have to work for Lockheed Martin anymore. 

In the end, the ban passed with 73% of the vote. A team of activists plans to dig a grave for the dish at Arlington National Cemetery. However, it will be 10 times the size of a regular grave to symbolize the 10-fold enlargement of the average pre-foie gras bird’s liver. That’s poetic. 

Just when people from DC couldn’t get more insufferable, they also elected a socialist mayor. Fortunately, you can always escape to trusty old Northern Virginia for some capitalist bird decadence! Perhaps three more reflecting pools and five more golden ballrooms can restore our nation’s capital to pre-Obama glory.