Area Students Unable to Jaywalk through Snowbanks, Late Everywhere
Bruce Springsteen Pledges to Never Hug Chris Christie Again
Public Outraged That Louisiana Hillbilly Has Negative Views Towards Gays; Robertson’s Feelings Hurt
“I’m baffled why Mr. Robertson never bothered to explore the different communities that surely exist in West Monroe,” remarked UCLA sophomore Quincy LaFleur of San Francisco.
Northwestern Math Department Introduces New Number between Seven and Eight
“This number, called ‘dag,’ will be somewhere in between seven and eight. We don’t really know yet,” said Dr. Jared Wunsch, Math Department Chair.
Encouraging Evidence Suggests Most College Athletes Can Read
Last week a research study actually discovered something positive about the world, delighting many. After months of research, a CNN team proudly announced that some college athletes read at an elementary school level.
New Pledges Excited to Begin Process of Labor, Peer Pressure, and Borderline Torture
“Man, I can’t wait to start,” said SESP freshman Max Janson. “Waiting on bended knee to serve the brothers I barely know—that’s what this is all about.”
Hinman Power Outage Results in Social Media Isolation, Deaths
January 5 escalated into full-scale madness in 1835 Hinman. The Hinman Hunger Games, as residents are calling it, have claimed sixteen lives so far and the death toll is only rising.
The Flipside Movie Review: Frozen and The Wolf of Wall Street
Both boast a strong cast, an amazing soundtrack, and a whole lot of snow, but we strongly urge all moviegoers to think twice before bringing their children to Frozen.
Whatever, Freshman Didn’t Want to Be a Part of Your Stupid Little Man-Club Anyway
After a week of rushing campus fraternity Beta Beta Beta without receiving a bid, area freshman Brandon Bottomsworth reportedly couldn’t care less that he wasn’t accepted into the group, because BBB is a bunch of big meanie-jerks who don’t know a quality candidate when they see one, those poopy doopy poop-heads.
International Student Welcomed Back to US with TSA Frisking
Gupta was positively beaming upon his return to Evanston from Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport, bearing news of “the least unpleasant airport experience of his life.”