Freshman Withdraws from Meal Plan, Eats for Free at Club Events
Cafeteria Dwelling Freshman Wants to Know if “You Guys Mind if I Sit Here?”
Freshman Uncomfortable to Find Condom in Care Package
EVANSTON – As McCormick freshman Hank Crowley tore open the first care package sent from his parents, he was surprised to find that, under the bags of candy and boxes of pastries that he had requested, lay a single, individually-wrapped Trojan condom. When pushed for comment on whether he was expecting the rubber contraceptive to be present among his Reese’s Pieces and Blueberry Pop Tarts, Crowley said, “It was a little weird, because you think if Mom and Dad were
Northwestern Student Literally the Worst at Using Hyperbole
EVANSTON – Northwestern English professor Jane Stevens claims that her student Ronald Gold is, “and I am not exaggerating, the worst there has been and will ever be at using hyperbole.” She adds, “since the dawn of time, there has been nobody more terrible at anything than this kid is at using embellishment as a literary device.” Fellow classmate William King agrees. “If I had to use an analogy to capture my sentiment, I would say his use of hyperbole
Quartet Prints Limited Copies, Drives Up Prices
With Welcome Week Over, Students Are Shocked At Steep Price Rise of Free Shit
Mute Man Trapped in Plexiglas Box Mistaken for Street-Performing Mime
CHICAGO – Workers Tuesday were painting a large mural on the side wall of a new apartment complex when a sudden gust of wind knocked a bucket of silver paint onto area mute man Nick Campbell, who was taking a casual afternoon stroll. The blinding mixture caused him to stumble into a large Plexiglas box, which promptly locked behind him. Campbell silently attempted to call for help and pushed his hands against all sides of the box in hopes of
NUCuisine Hacked by Latin Porn Site, Mexicans Served in Every Dining Hall
Autumn Lattes Create National Pumpkin Shortage
National Ignorance Day Goes By Unnoticed