Evanston City Officials Hold 2,000 Northwestern Students Hostage
“If I knew I had to deal with this much bullshit,” wrote Weinberg senior Jon Blinderman on a bloody Bob Marley shirt, “I would have gone Greek.”
New Cognitive Disease Causes Millions To Use Hashtags, Annoys Billions Of Others
EVANSTON – An infectious disease causing millions of people to insert pound signs followed by senseless clichés at the end of all their typed sentences is quickly becoming a global pandemic. First affecting only attention-seeking Twitter addicts, the virus has now spread to Facebook users, Google Plus members, and countless others, essentially annoying the living fuck out of anyone on Earth who has yet to catch the sickness. “Facebook is bad enough as it is. Whiny status updates about how
Girl Who Said She “Would Die Without Her Phone” Apparently Not Kidding Around
EDISON, NJ – Fifteen year old Sarah Murphy was found dead last night in front of her New Jersey home. After an autopsy was conducted and medical records were reviewed, doctors concluded the cause of death was Sarah’s rare, fatal form of object-oriented separation anxiety which caused her to collapse after the discovery that her phone was not in her Vera Bradley tote bag. Detectives have taken the prime phone theft suspect, 16-year-old self-proclaimed hipster Penelope Fox, into custody. No
Freshman Guide
All of the Scandal
Condom Garden Built Next to Beer Garden
Gawker Camps Out at Dillo Day, Waiting for NU To Fuck Up Again
Hipster Freshman Tries To Grow Own Beer Garden
Osama Bin Laden Excited for New Pornographers
@campussolutions Coming To Dillo Day