‘Snooki’ Denied Role as Oompa Loompa in Wonka remake

JERSEY SHORE—Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, a cast member of MTV’s popular reality series “The Jersey Shore,” has been denied a role in the Broadway remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, after much speculation. Casting directors, who have already picked Rosie O’Donnell for the role of Augustus Gloop, stated that Snooki was just “too orange and too short.” Being denied a callback has been rough on Snookers, particularly since she received the rejection letter just hours after Ron “Ronnie” Magro

Walking Paradox Buys Diet Energy Drink

TOPEKA, KS – Tammi Daniels, Kansas native and breathing contradiction, purchased a Diet Rockstar energy drink on Thursday. Sources close to Ms. Daniels confirm the beverage’s branding suits her extreme life of excess to which no rules apply except for watching her figure. Daniels, an active Republican, further added a kiss of irony to her day by consuming the drink while discussing tax breaks for small businesses after having purchased it at Wal-Mart, a leader in crushing local family-owned enterprises.

Stoned Jaywalker Leads NU Students into Oncoming Traffic

EVANSTON—A typical sunny January day in Evanston turned tragic when fourteen Northwestern University students were hit by three cars as they crossed Sheridan Road in front of the Arch. Fortunately, no one was killed, but the accident resulted in many injuries. Every day, NU students cross Sheridan by following the first person who decides to ignore the “Do Not Walk” sign. On this particular occasion, the leader of the pack was not capable of his duties. Jack Smannikan, a sophomore

Throughout History, People have Begun Essays with Grand Generalizations

By Professor John McSnoot Throughout history, people have begun essays with grand generalizations. It’s one of the most common mistakes I see in student papers. These generalizations are often the same as the title of the essay, which should always be its own thought. There are three main mistakes I see in my students’ writing: Making a laundry list of reasons, sentence construction badness, and repetitive, redundant sentences of redundancy. Then, they do not provide adequate explanations for their reasoning.

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