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NU Premed Student Cures Cancer, Receives C Grade

February 6, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Jason Fisher, an NU Premed student, was shocked when his midterm paper, entitled “Finding the Cure for Cancer”, received a C grade from his professor, Jeffrey Malloy. The paper, which kept Fisher locked in his room for three sleepless nights until its completion, outlines a radical new method that, when applied to lab rats, was successfully able to cause remission of cancer-causing oncogenes. “To tell the truth,” a dreary-eyed Fisher lamented, “I thought the paper was pretty sick. I guess

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Palin Suffering from Post-Election Tourette’s Syndrome

February 6, 2009 Scott Grindy Leave a comment

JUNEAU, AK—Alaska Governor and former Vice-Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin is suffering from Post-Traumatic Election Tourette’s Syndrome, say doctors at Juneau Central Medical Center. The Governor was rushed to the hospital from her hometown of Wasilla on Wednesday, January 28th and has been observation ever since. “I saw her walking down the street, and went over to give her a hello, and all she could say was ‘Maverick maverick 9/11 terrorist Joe sixpack.’ I was so confused,” said Wasilla resident and

NU President-Elect Morton O. Schapiro Attended a Radical Madrasah as a Child

February 3, 2009 Scott Grindy Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In a breaking story just reported by Fox News and confirmed by Flipside investigative journalists, Northwestern University president-elect Morton O. Schapiro has been exposed as having attended an extremist Muslim Madrasah as a child. Schapiro attended the Conway, New Hampshire-based East Parkway Elementary Madrasah from 1958 to 1963. The Madrasah’s administrators could not be reached for comment. The blogging community, on the other hand, had much to say about this latest development. “[H]es a closet [epithet deleted]!” said SecndAmendmntRulz_218 of

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Area 6th Grader Does More Work than NU Theatre Major

January 24, 2009 Nick Zessis

EVANSTON, IL – Chuck Davis, winner of Chute Middle School’s spelling bee and science fair, was honored yesterday for his hard work in school and dedication to the Evanston community. Chuck (age 11), along with four other local students, received the prestigious Young Achiever Award. He was surprised with the news during gym class, “I’ve really worked hard for this,” said Davis. “Those extra pre-algebra problems have really paid off.” Chuck’s résumé is impressive. His 4.0 GPA, involvement with several

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Rev. Jessie Jackson Deems White League IM Sports “Racist”

January 24, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

EVANSTON—The Reverend Jessie Jackson was in the Evanston area this past week. He was impressed by the university, specifically the “demeanor and standard to which Northwestern students hold themselves.” His temperament soon changed, however, after learning of NU’s intramural sports. “They have a white league? That ain’t right,” Jackson clamored. The white league offers sports like hockey, soccer, and, of course, polo. It’s obvious to see why the league has no ethnic diversity. Non-Caucasians are not prohibited from participating. Their

Cheney in Wheelchair at Obama’s Inauguration; One Step Forward, Two Steps Back in Becoming Dark Sith Lord

January 23, 2009 Adam Adler Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—Last Tuesday, former Vice President Dick Cheney moved one step closer towards achieving his lifetime goal of becoming a Sith Lord. At President Barack Obama’s inauguration ceremony, Cheney was seen, for the first time ever, in a wheel chair, a sign immediately recognized by Star Wars fans across the country as an effort to change from somewhat evil political leader to completely evil Sith Lord. “This move comes straight out of the books,” said Star Wars enthusiast James Clark, “We

Blagojevich Sells NU Kicker’s Foot to Mizzou

January 2, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Northwestern’s loss to Missouri in the Alamo Bowl has brought about criticism of the team’s kicker. After failing to kick a field goal and extra point, Mizzou was able to bring the game to overtime. Northwestern failed to match Mizzou’s touchdown, which gave NU its sixth straight bowl loss. There are some, however, who are not willing to blame only the NU kicker. Several Illinois politicians have accused Governor Rod Blagojevich of influencing Northwestern’s loss. Illinois State Representative

Friendship Ended After Forwarding of Really Dumb Link

January 2, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Fred McMerson and James Schwartz have been “bestest buds” since preschool. They first met at snack time, in which Fred had stolen James’s juice box. Life for the now two teens was all about hanging out with each other and sharing You Tube links (namely “Mad TV John Madden Popcorn Popper,” I suggest you check it out). That friendly lifestyle has since changed. On December 27, James forwarded an e-mail to Fred (mcmersonballa@aol.com) containing a link to a You Tube

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