Author Archives: Nick Zessis
CUBS WIN WORLD SERIES!
Coach Dave Takes Team Out for Pizza
1859 EDITION: Area Sorority Girl Takes Walk of Shame after Holding Man’s Hand
1859 EDITION: Chicago Loses Bid for World’s Fair
McCormick Students Celebrate Centennial by Playing Video Games, Practicing Abstinence
EVANSTON—Yesterday was another glorious day for the studious residents of Slivka Science and Engineering Residential College. Birds were chirping. Pencils were scribbling away at organic chemistry problems. Nintendo 64 controllers were being thrown in frustration during rousing matches of Super Smash Brothers. There was not a public display of affection to be found. There was nothing atypical about this kind of day, or any day in the past one hundred years. McCormick, Northwestern’s school of Engineering, has begun celebrating its
Blagojevich Sells Olympics to Rio
COPENHAGEN—Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced today that Chicago’s fourth-place finish in the 2016 Olympic selection process was actually a preconceived scheme to sell the Olympics to the highest bidder. “I’ve got these Olympics, and they’re fucking golden,” explained Blagojevich. “Almost as golden as a vacant senate seat…or my haircut.” Blagojevich went on to explain his reasoning behind the seemingly ingenious plan. “Chicago sports fans are used to waiting for things,” said the ex-governor. “I mean, look at the Cubs.
Cheney Ready to Lead Death Panels
WASINGTON—The former Vice-President has led an outspoken life after completing his second term in January. There is little doubt that he has been critical of the Democratic majority, particularly of President Obama’s decision to close Guantanamo Bay. He was heavily opposed to Obama’s new health care plan as well, until he learned of government “death panels.” “These new death panels,” Dick Cheney told The Flipside in an exuberant state, “will do great things for the American people. It will finally