Freshman With Housing Selection Number 99999999 Ends up With Dorm Room in Qatar
“Hey, it’s still a Northwestern dorm, isn’t it? We said you have to live on campus for two years, but we never specified which campus.”
Author Archives: Soren Campbell
Bernie Recruited to Olympic Track Team after Proving Unending Passion for Running
“Bernie has been running across the country for years, and as far as we can tell, will run until he dies.”
The Daily Northwestern Stops Writing Real News in Honor of George H.W. Bush’s Death
“We were worried that the extremely high-quality journalism that we usually produce would overshadow the mourning of the nation and the Bush family,” said a representative from the Daily.
Trump Apologizes for Mistreatment of Elizabeth Warren, Admits He Was Wrong
Trump’s speech has been widely regarded as a shining example of political decency and civility. Many are also applauding his masterful turn of phrase and elegant use of language in his speech.
Professor Briefly Considers Career in Comedy After Half of Class Exhales Through Nostrils
“It was really a better reaction than I ever could have hoped for,” Williams said.
Northwestern Student Already Has Pretty Good Idea When to Schedule Fall Mental Breakdown
“It’ll fit perfectly in between these two weeks of straight midterms and the next Friday, when I have 6 papers due.”