Category Archives: Year 2

True Cause of Global Warming Discovered

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WASHINGTON—The EPA recently released a shocking comprehensive report in which they revealed the true cause of global warming: the end of the Cold War. Although the Cold War neared its end twenty years ago with the collapse of the Berlin Wall, its effects on global temperatures are just now being discovered. According to lead scientist Bill Nye, “the frigid diplomatic relations between the United States and the former USSR were the chief source of global cooling and an effective combatant

Read more Issue 22, Politics, Sci/Tech, Year 2

Linguist Stumped by New Soulja Boy Song

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BOSTON—Thomas Fine, a linguistics professor at Harvard University, reported that he was “stumped for the first time in his life” after trying to analyze the words in Soulja Boy’s new single, “Trix be smackin my 24s, nah?” After a full perusal of the song’s lyrics, Fine concluded that the rapper’s lyrics “do not match up with any sort of language ever observed in the vast canon of human speech.” Fine began his press release by speaking on Soulja Boy’s rhyme

Read more Entertainment, Issue 22, Sci/Tech, Year 2

Students Arrested for Vandalizing Large Rock-like Structure

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EVANSTON—In a shocking turn of events, Evanston police arrested three NU students for painting a rock-like structure late Friday night. “Those kids had a good three buckets of paint,” said police commissioner Danny Buckter. “They were slopping paint all over the place. Graffiti just can’t be tolerated on campus.” Buckter added, “You would think that the kids at Northwestern would have their heads screwed on right. I guess the SATs don’t test you on civic responsibility!” Mary Finkel, a Weinberg

Read more Issue 21, Local, Year 2

Freshman Point Guard Misunderstands Meaning of “Pregame”

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EVANSTON—David Stephens, a highly touted freshman point guard, was reported as being “shocked and confused” by a pregaming event at Bobb last Friday. Stephens was invited to the party by his roommate, Jack Vineyard, “I figured, the dude’s an athlete,” Vineyard said, “I thought he’d understand what a pregame is. I couldn’t have been more wrong.” Stephens initially seemed exuberant upon hearing of the pregame. “I told Jack I just had to grab my ball and my bag and I’d

Read more Issue 21, Sports, Year 2

Disney Slays Mickey Mouse, Reveals Evil German Replacement

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ORLANDO, FL—After announcing plans to retire its trademark cartoon, Disney unveiled yesterday its new icon, Mick Maus. A company spokesperson, Sven Britton, said the change is indicative of Disney’s shift in target audience from the family sector to surly teen-aged douchebags. According to Britton, Maus’s newly-penned back story details his past as a juvenile delinquent. “He wears a lot of black. He blows cigarette smoke in your face just because he can. He’s generally the type of tool you take

Read more Entertainment, Issue 21, Year 2

Ask The Flipside – Swine Flu

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Dear NU Flipside, Swine flu is definitely a zombie virus. How can I survive the zombie apocalypse? Sincerely, James Walshington Well James, we here at The Northwestern Flipside have put many hours into the study of zombies and can say with great certainty that this so called “swine flu” is really a government ploy to cover up the reality that the dead are being reanimated as zombies. In the course of our studies, we have also devised a comprehensive survival

Read more Issue 21, Opinion, Year 2
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