Kenyan Wins Dance Marathon
Robert Aban completed DM in 30 hours, tying his own personal mark of 30 hours, and also tying the world record of 30 hours.
Category Archives: Local
Endowment “Shrinks” in “Cold” Economy
EVANSTON—Frigid economic conditions have shrunk the size of Northwestern’s endowment, according to new reports from President Bienen’s office. University spokesman Steven Westerstein released a statement yesterday downplaying the so-called “shrinkage” effect on NU’s performance. “We here at Northwestern University have always felt that it’s not about the size of the endowment, but how you use it that really matters. Besides, it’s not like our endowment is that small. At least we’re still bigger than Wash U.” Northwestern student reactions were
Acquisition of 3 Hole Punch Triples Intern’s Productivity
WHEELING, IL—Bernardo Johnson, intern of Midland Paper, was honored today for the Intern of the Year Award. Johnson, a 39-year-old graduate of the University of North Dakota, has been working for Midland for 14 years. This is the first award for Bernardo, as his recent purchase of a Swingline 3-Hole punch has allowed for the company’s stock status reports to be processed three times faster. An over joyous Johnson told The Flipside, “Maybe they’ll finally hire me. I haven’t paid
Self-Centered Loser Starts Own Facebook Fan Page
EVANSTON—If you haven’t listened to each of Barry Joshenstein’s songs 18 times yet, you must have zero taste in music. Just ask Barry himself. “My music is amazing!” said Barry. “It’s more catchy that the Beatles, more badass than Biggie Smalls, and more emotional than Death Cab, but much less wimpy. There is no way anybody can say anything bad about my stuff.” Joshenstein started his own Facebook fan page about a week ago to promote his music in an
NU Premed Student Cures Cancer, Receives C Grade
EVANSTON—Jason Fisher, an NU Premed student, was shocked when his midterm paper, entitled “Finding the Cure for Cancer”, received a C grade from his professor, Jeffrey Malloy. The paper, which kept Fisher locked in his room for three sleepless nights until its completion, outlines a radical new method that, when applied to lab rats, was successfully able to cause remission of cancer-causing oncogenes. “To tell the truth,” a dreary-eyed Fisher lamented, “I thought the paper was pretty sick. I guess
NU President-Elect Morton O. Schapiro Attended a Radical Madrasah as a Child
EVANSTON—In a breaking story just reported by Fox News and confirmed by Flipside investigative journalists, Northwestern University president-elect Morton O. Schapiro has been exposed as having attended an extremist Muslim Madrasah as a child. Schapiro attended the Conway, New Hampshire-based East Parkway Elementary Madrasah from 1958 to 1963. The Madrasah’s administrators could not be reached for comment. The blogging community, on the other hand, had much to say about this latest development. “[H]es a closet [epithet deleted]!” said SecndAmendmntRulz_218 of
Area 6th Grader Does More Work than NU Theatre Major
EVANSTON, IL – Chuck Davis, winner of Chute Middle School’s spelling bee and science fair, was honored yesterday for his hard work in school and dedication to the Evanston community. Chuck (age 11), along with four other local students, received the prestigious Young Achiever Award. He was surprised with the news during gym class, “I’ve really worked hard for this,” said Davis. “Those extra pre-algebra problems have really paid off.” Chuck’s résumé is impressive. His 4.0 GPA, involvement with several
Friendship Ended After Forwarding of Really Dumb Link
EVANSTON—Fred McMerson and James Schwartz have been “bestest buds” since preschool. They first met at snack time, in which Fred had stolen James’s juice box. Life for the now two teens was all about hanging out with each other and sharing You Tube links (namely “Mad TV John Madden Popcorn Popper,” I suggest you check it out). That friendly lifestyle has since changed. On December 27, James forwarded an e-mail to Fred (mcmersonballa@aol.com) containing a link to a You Tube