Category Archives: Articles

National Spelling Bee Winner Celebrates by Eating Knaidlach

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BAYSIDE HILLS, NY — The 13-year-old winner of the Scripps National Spelling Bee, Arvind Mahankali, celebrated his victory by eating a bowl brimming with knaidlach, a type of dumpling eaten mainly during Passover, and the plural version of the Bee’s winning word. “I was so happy when I won,” said Mahankali, a cymotrichous1 boy whose wavy hair has captured the hearts of would-be spellers across the nation. “Knaidel isn’t even that hard a word. Did you know that last year’s

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[Roaring ’20s Issue] Kresge Hall Unveiled, Hailed as Architectural Marvel

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EVANSTON — No, that new monstrosity next to University Hall isn’t a tenement! It’s just Northwestern’s newest building: Kresge Hall. The magnificent structure opened its doors just yesterday, and boy is it a sight to see! Kresge Hall can seat a staggering 1300 students in more than 30 classrooms, but the crowning jewel of this freshly minted structural feat is the architecture. The decision to house the classics department there is manifested in the clear Greco-Roman influence in the building’s

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[Roaring ’20s Issue] Gary Saul Morson to Join USSR Studies Department

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EVANSTON — Northwestern University announced yesterday the hiring of a new USSR Studies professor, Gary Saul Morson. “We are pleased to be adding this brilliant, up-and-coming scholar to our faculty team,” said President Walter Dill Scott. Morson, who was born in 1895, received his Ph.D. from Yale last year before, purportedly, teaching in Pennsylvania. Safely within Cook County lines, Morson confessed to The Flipside that his job there was only a cover for his true mission: finding communist spies. “It’s

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[Roaring ’20s Issue] NU Students Vote to Divest from Whale Oil, Double Down on Coal

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EVANSTON — Students from NU’s center for social activism, the Millard Fillmore Institute, brought a ground-breaking proposal before the ASG senate this past week to divest Northwestern’s endowment from whale oil companies. The proposal follows from successful earlier measures brought about by the institute to disinvest from the East India Trading Company and the elephant poaching industry, and its primary authors, Engineering Senior Grahame Weathersby and Arts and Sciences sophomore Millicent Price, say that they hope the bill will protect

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Dillo Day Ball Pit Provides Exciting Place to Hook Up, Contract Meningitis

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EVANSTON — Northwestern students attending Dillo Day this year were pleasantly surprised by Mayfest’s latest addition to the day’s experience: a ball pit. Members of the student body expressed their excitement, with some saying that the classic childhood playground staple was perfectly suited for the drunken hookups they have been planning since the day after last Dillo Day. “Dude, it’s amazing,” exclaimed Weinberg senior Scott Landry. “It combines the thrill of publicly sucking face in front of all those high

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Stacey’s Cool Mom Is Gonna Have Fun at Dillo

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By Stace’s Mom Guys, have you heard they are making guests under 19 have adult chaperones at Dillo this year? Well, since my daughter Stacey (Stace because we’re besties) is only 17, it looks like I’m back on campus, party people! First and foremost, I’m thinking the gals and me’ll start off the day with some dorm “consumption.” Obviously totez discrete. I’m willing to supply if Stace will stop telling me that she hates me and to stop wearing her

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To Chet Haze’s Dismay, Mayfest Announces Headliner

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EVANSTON — Though insider reports indicate that Mayfest’s executive board came this close to actually having to ask Detroit-based rapper Danny Brown to do a reading of The DaVinci Code by the moonlight, the group finally released a statement Friday afternoon that they had accomplished the sole task for which they receive $300,000 in funding each year: booking a nighttime headliner. Following the Dillo-eve announcement of rapper Wiz Khalifa as the festival’s final act, NU students voiced their concerns on

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Sadistic Mayfest Exec Board Tortures Students, Announces Headliner Saturday Night

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EVANSTON — In an effort to sadistically torture Northwestern students, Mayfest decided to announce that Wu-Tang Clan is headlining Dillo Day only seconds before the iconic rap group took the stage on Saturday. The decision was made in part because the concert organizing board has a really sick and twisted desire to play with the hearts and minds of both music enthusiasts and borderline alcoholics alike, not to mention the entirety of ETHS and cool moms everywhere. “Creating a really

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SESP Junior to Lose Hope for Humanity after Attending Dillo Day Sober

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THE LAKEFILL — At approximately 3:37 PM, June 1 2013, SESP Junior Michelle Cunningham will lose all hope for humanity after making the tragic mistake of attending a Dillo Day performance completely sober. Without the ignorant bliss afforded by alcohol-impaired facilities, Cunningham will be able to accurately perceive the Hieronymus Bosch-styled carnival of nightmares that we affectionately refer to as “Mayfest.” As recently as her 21st birthday celebration last month, Cunningham, who hopes to one day teach middle school English,

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Smart Dillo PSA Advises, “It’s a Sprint, Not a Marathon”

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EVANSTON — The Smart Dillo campaign has released their latest public service announcement just in time for Dillo Day. In their newest PSA, “It’s a Sprint, Not a Marathon,” the safety-awareness student group reminds everyone that the goal of Dillo Day is to not be a pussy and take things slow, but rather to get drunk as quickly as possible. “It’s a Sprint, Not a Marathon” features an animated talking armadillo voiced by PSA veteran Rebel Alley. In her cutest

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