Northwestern University in Qatar to Close Evanston, Chicago Campuses
“We’re going to have to build a good team if we want to stand a chance against our rival, Texas A&M University at Qatar,” said Football Coach Pat Fitzgerald.
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Congress Gridlock Actually Due To Groundhog Day Time Loop
“I feel like we’re always talking about the debt ceiling and budget,” said Rep. Larry Bucshon (R-Indiana). “Is anyone else getting major dĂ©jĂ vu here?”
Man Copes with Breaking Bad’s Ending by Constructing Meth Lab in Basement
The lab will be opened to the public every Sunday night to other fans unwilling to accept that their favorite show ended on its own terms without inevitably becoming awful.
First Day of Classes Results in Dearth of Flipside Content
“It’s sad we don’t have anything to put on our website today,” agreed President Andrew Schneider. “Our Facebook page is going to have embarrassingly little content on it this week.”
Sophomore Doesn’t Leave Allison For Eleven Days Running
“Forget going to the frat quad,” says Langlois. “Allison now has everything you could possibly need, like wallpaper that looks like electrophoresis, a printer with no paper, and doors that don’t prop open.”
Freshmen Realize School Starts Soon
Lily Sanders noted, “I loved making new friends, learning new things, and having fun during Wildcat Welcome. I’ll never be able to do those things again once classes start.”
God Watches, Horrified, as Cru Member Turns off Another Freshman from Religion Forever
God the Almighty became increasingly agitated as Tolbert entered Anthony’s dorm room, sans invitation, to begin a frank and invasive conversation about Jesus Christ.
RTVF Junior Plans “Parkes and Rec” Video to Help Freshmen Find Obscure Campus Buildings
The video stars Communication seniors Kaylee Hutchinson and Miranda Oates, Weinberg junior Brandon Tchoupitoulas, and Nick Offerman.
Area Jews Try Not to Complain for a Day
“I’m trying really hard to show some restraint,” Goldberg continued, “but it’s not easy. I’ve been in a really grumpy mood all day since I’m fasting and I woke up with this weird ache in my back and shit, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”
Freshman Confident He Has His Schedule Worked Out
“I’ll have 8 AM classes every day, which is good because I like to wake up early and get things done,” said Jenkins. “It worked well in high school so I know I’ll have no trouble getting up early in college.”