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Category Archives: Sci/Tech

True Cause of Global Warming Discovered

November 15, 2009 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—The EPA recently released a shocking comprehensive report in which they revealed the true cause of global warming: the end of the Cold War. Although the Cold War neared its end twenty years ago with the collapse of the Berlin Wall, its effects on global temperatures are just now being discovered. According to lead scientist Bill Nye, “the frigid diplomatic relations between the United States and the former USSR were the chief source of global cooling and an effective combatant

Read more Issue 22, Politics, Sci/Tech, Year 2

Linguist Stumped by New Soulja Boy Song

November 14, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

BOSTON—Thomas Fine, a linguistics professor at Harvard University, reported that he was “stumped for the first time in his life” after trying to analyze the words in Soulja Boy’s new single, “Trix be smackin my 24s, nah?” After a full perusal of the song’s lyrics, Fine concluded that the rapper’s lyrics “do not match up with any sort of language ever observed in the vast canon of human speech.” Fine began his press release by speaking on Soulja Boy’s rhyme

Read more Entertainment, Issue 22, Sci/Tech, Year 2

1859 EDITION: Pasteurization Causes Autism, Claims Leading Witch Doctor

October 19, 2009 Alex Shapiro Leave a comment

OXFORD, ENGLAND—Sir Martin Digby-Walsington, resident witch doctor at Oxford University, is on a mission to prove the dangers of science’s latest affront on humanity. Pasteurization, he claims, not only fails to keep so-called “germs” out of milk, but also causes autism in babies. Invented by Louis Pasteur, the eponymous process purports to prevent disease by heating milk to 138˚ Celsius. Immediately adopted by dairy farmers and hailed as an “incredible breakthrough” by the British Royal Academy’s Nigel Pennington, pasteurization has

Half of Astronaut’s Salary Goes to Beer for the Trip Up

May 15, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Atlantis’ astronauts grabbed hold of the Hubble Space Telescope at the end of last week, quickly setting their sights on the unprecedented spacewalking repairs they will attempt over the next couple of days. “It’s going to be tough,” explained head astronaut, Jim Bernstein. “My hands are shaking just thinking about it. One wrong move and we could float off into space.” The Atlantis astronauts tried to keep cool on the way up as a way to cope with

New “Unpopular Science” Magazine Only Popular with Unpopular Crowd

May 8, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

CHICAGO—It is clear that print media has faced hard times as of late. In an interesting revival tactic, Popular Science Magazine is attempting to counter the downturn by releasing a new sister publication entitled Unpopular Science. The format of the new magazine is similar to that of Popular Science, which features innovations from some of today’s most interesting scientific fields. Unpopular Science, however, focuses mainly on geology. “We were really trying to broaden our demographics,” noted the president of Popular

Acquisition of 3 Hole Punch Triples Intern’s Productivity

February 27, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

WHEELING, IL—Bernardo Johnson, intern of Midland Paper, was honored today for the Intern of the Year Award. Johnson, a 39-year-old graduate of the University of North Dakota, has been working for Midland for 14 years. This is the first award for Bernardo, as his recent purchase of a Swingline 3-Hole punch has allowed for the company’s stock status reports to be processed three times faster. An over joyous Johnson told The Flipside, “Maybe they’ll finally hire me. I haven’t paid