OPINION: The War on Black Friday Must End Now
Thanks to the unavoidable “Christmas creep,” Cyber Monday, and this year’s Thanksgiving Day sales, Black Friday no longer signifies the designated celebration of capitalist excess it used to.
Tag Archives: Christmas
Area Jews Celebrating Christmas Shocked Holiday is about Jesus
Many Jews are utterly confused on how to celebrate the holiday. Instead of the traditional honey-glazed ham dinner and nice family time around a warm fire, Jewish families have been sighted going out for Chinese food and airing their grievances.
Terrorist Attack Cripples Detroit; Americans Indifferent
DETROIT—Terrorists destroyed the city of Detroit on Christmas Day. Not surprisingly, there has been very little outcry from the rest of the United States. In fact, Americans are rather indifferent to the event. Some even show signs of joy, describing the attack as a “Christmas miracle.” President Obama said Friday that this attack is possibly the best thing to happen to America during his presidency. “Detroit was holding America back from greatness,” the President said in a press conference. “The
Santa Shot Down
WASHINGTON—In a series of events that still remains unclear, the United States military came forward Tuesday and announced that Santa and his sleigh had been shot down by anti-aircraft artillery on December 24th. According to military sources, Santa entered a declared no-fly zone over Israeli airspace at 11:39 PM local time, at which time the Israeli Air Force dispatched two F-16s to intercept Santa. After multiple failed attempts at radio contact, the two aircraft were given the authorization to shoot
Gross Misunderstanding Ensues When Woman Asks Santa for iTouch and Wii in Same Sentence
Paper Clip Found Mauled on Side of Road
SKOKIE—The corpse of a local paper clip was found dead on the side of Interstate 94 late last night. The condition of the body made it difficult to recognize. After reconstructive analysis, the clip was identified as Clippy [actual name], a local office assistant. The last known photograph of the victim is shown to the left. “While I won’t comment on the condition of the body, I will say that he won’t be helping anyone format any outlines in the