Tag Archives: Freshman

“The Rock” Revealed to be Freshman Covered in Century's Worth of Paint

EVANSTON—An investigation into the origins of the university’s most beloved landmark was sparked last month when a graduate student stumbled upon a curious article in the Daily Northwestern’s archives. Entitled “Disgruntled Freshman Freezes to Death,” the record from 1902 details the untimely demise of one Earl Worthington, a freshman who tripped into a newly-installed koi pool during a blustery October cold snap. Ellen Katz, who discovered the article while researching the mysterious origins of Dillo Day, was stunned by her

Freshman Point Guard Misunderstands Meaning of “Pregame”

EVANSTON—David Stephens, a highly touted freshman point guard, was reported as being “shocked and confused” by a pregaming event at Bobb last Friday. Stephens was invited to the party by his roommate, Jack Vineyard, “I figured, the dude’s an athlete,” Vineyard said, “I thought he’d understand what a pregame is. I couldn’t have been more wrong.” Stephens initially seemed exuberant upon hearing of the pregame. “I told Jack I just had to grab my ball and my bag and I’d

Freshman Nearly Makes Friend

EVANSTON—Putting on and tucking in his Class of ’13 shirt, McCormick freshman Danny Gubin had a feeling it was going to be a good day. Gubin, often described as a real loser, then brushed his teeth with his electric toothbrush and flossed. Twice. Gubin stared down at the condom given to him in his 6th grade health class, muttering to himself, “Today is going to be the day.” After stumbling into the hallway over the “Our Little Boy Is In

Band of Lost Boys Discovered in Tech Basement

EVANSTON—When freshman Conrad Stevens went to his first lab in Tech on Wednesday, he ended up stumbling upon a colony of students living in the halls. “I’d just passed L22 for the fifth goddamn time,” Stevens recounts, “when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. I could have sworn I heard whispers.” Upon investigation, Stevens realized he had found a small village lining the halls of the A wing basement. “They were all wearing long-sleeved shirts,

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