Moving to Chicago was supposed to be a fresh start for Blu, Jewel, and their 3 children. They were going to nest in an old man’s attic, crap on cars passing by, and careen into skyscraper windows. Jewel had just started freelancing at The Boobie Trap, Chi-town’s premier avian gentlemen’s club. Blu even pre-ordered the iPhone Duo. That all ended one foggy Chicago morning. 

The family of 5 was on their way to the kids’ Montessori elementary school, blissfully unaware that a fatass hunk of metal was evilly gliding toward them. Still in its early stages, the Roadster was jerking up and down like in Flappy Bird. As the thrusters spewed cancerous gas and the car lurched upward, through the clouds, Blu and his gang found themselves in the unfortunate situation of being just above Elon’s cyborg spawn.  

Blu was adjusting his Airpod Maxes, as his wired headphones had recently gone out of style. Jewel was practicing in-air twerking. The children, Bia, Carla, and Tiago, were freestyle rapping about the traffic. Oh, sweet irony. Then, feathers. 

“I was just walking to work when they all came down,” Mr. Cheese, a rodent bystander said. “I always thought at least the birds were safe from cars. Now…it’s all of us.” 

The loss of the family was felt throughout the Chicago community. A memorial was held at The Bean, where, coincidentally, Blu first flicked Jewel’s. Chicagoans across the city are now demanding restrictions on flying vehicles.  

Elon Musk responded on X (formerly Twitter) within minutes, calling the cold-blooded murder a “fun, organic bird-to-bumper interaction.” Tesla then posted a velocity edit of the accident to “Rodeo (Remix)” by Lah Pat and Flo Milli. 

An investigation has been launched to locate the perpetrator, but I think we all know who did this: Nigel, that conniving little cockatoo. Shame.