Morty Authorizes Drone Strikes On Students Wearing Other Schools’ Apparel

EVANSTON — Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro announced yesterday afternoon after his annual meeting with President Obama that he found the U.S. President’s tactics using drone strikes against American enemies extremely inspiring. “In fact,” President Schapiro said, “I am releasing an NU executive order right at this moment, and yes, per the latest ASG legislation nobody has read, I can do that, that the university administration is hereby allowed to launch drones against the enemies of the university.”

The new policy is intended to enforce Schapiro’s sweatshirt ban from last November, which so far has not prevented students from wearing apparel from other universities. Schapiro explained, “I don’t ever want to see anyone in a t-shirt or sweatshirt from Harvard, Yale, the University of Chicago, or any other school besides Northwestern. Students and faculty in possession of any such garments will have until Sunday to drop them off in a special disposal units in Norris University Center. After that date, any person spotted by a CA, faculty member, or any other university official wearing a non-Northwestern college piece of clothing will be subject to a merciless drone strike.”

“We will not negotiate with terrorists,” President Schapiro continued. “I mean, people wearing non-Wildcat apparel, people who hate the very purple fabric of our Northwestern society.”

While the President’s latest addition to University policy has garnered criticism from helicopter parents who say it’s wrong to “bomb your own students,” the Office of Admissions says it has seen the largest spike in applications since the Fucksaw incident. U.S. News and World Report analysts say it’s probably because the word “drones” reminds computer nerds of Star Wars.

About the Author

Adam Pecena
Before joining the Flipside, Adam worked as the Czech correspondent for GQ Magazine, where he covered beer, fringe sporting events, and celebrity dating. At Northwestern, he has been voted “Most Likely to Wear Crocs” by his floor mates for three consecutive years. Adam’s career highlights include heroic attempts at reviving 90’s white boy pop with his band “Czech4Lyfe.” In his free time, Adam likes to throw Starbursts at the elderly and read 19th century Russian fiction, preferably simultaneously. Recently, Adam sent a hit man to kill Jordan’s $400 black piranha because he loves killing fish, and hates Jordan.

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