Category Archives: No. 101

Morty Authorizes Drone Strikes On Students Wearing Other Schools’ Apparel

EVANSTON — Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro announced yesterday afternoon after his annual meeting with President Obama that he found the U.S. President’s tactics using drone strikes against American enemies extremely inspiring. “In fact,” President Schapiro said, “I am releasing an NU executive order right at this moment, and yes, per the latest ASG legislation nobody has read, I can do that, that the university administration is hereby allowed to launch drones against the enemies of the university.” The new

University Shuttles to Run Only When You’re Not There

EVANSTON — Students such as yourself have recently noticed that during winter months, campus shuttles will make their stops only when you’re not waiting at one of them. University officials have confirmed this phenomenon. “Part of this new policy comes from the extra snow we’ve been getting. It makes for slower routes and delayed stop times,” said Jack Colhoff, a University Services representative. “But it’s mostly to build character.” Colhoff said you’ll thank him later, because walking in single-digit weather

Denied Early Decision Applicant Demands Racial Quotas Be Reinstated

EVANSTON — Sally Evans, currently a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant senior at Richard B. Russell High School, received a rejection letter from Northwestern after applying early decision. After mulling it over for several weeks, she decided Thursday to take a stand for what is right. “I’m not racist,” the teen said. “I just don’t think it’s fair that I worked so hard and still didn’t get into Northwestern. If the quotas from the ‘60s were still in place, this never would’ve

Diaries of Ten ‘Bachelor’ Contestants Contain “Eerily Identical Narratives”

AGOURA HILLS, CA — In an amazing feat of dramatic explosion after being rejected by the “one true love of [her] life,” a bachelor contestant managed to tear up the entire multi-million dollar hosting mansion, leaving in her wake a mess of cosmetics, champagne flutes, and anti-depressants. Among the debris lay a pile of notebooks, each cover plastered with Lisa Frank stickers, kissy lip prints, and “Live, Laugh, Love” mottos: the diaries of the contestants chronicling their Bachelor experience. The

A Valentine’s Day Poem

“I fucking hate Valentine’s Day,” Said junior Peggy Ann McKay. “I have six midterms tomorrow, For DM, I must donate my marrow. My roommate is such a great bore, Dating that bro two years or more. It’s much more fun to be a whore, That’s what living in Bobb is for! They hold hands watching Netflix, They think iPhones are for self-pics. He bought her Franzia with his friend’s fake – I don’t know how much more I can take.

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