The Flipside’s Tips for Northwestern Freshmen: A Response to The Onion

America’s Finest News Source published “The Onion’s Tips for College Freshmen” on Tuesday in hopes of helping the class of 2017 seem a little less awkward than the class of 2016 (we have character).

However, for the latest litter of Wild Kittens, a lot of this trustworthy advice needs some supplemental information (you thought you were done with supplements forever, didn’t you? Don’t worry; UChicago doesn’t really care where Waldo is).

The Flipside is back so raise a paw/claw/weird furry extremity (If you still came to Northwestern after seeing that ad, I am so sorry) and take the lanyard off from around your neck. This might take a little more work than your ENU.

Millions of young Americans are arriving on campuses all over the country to begin their college lives. Here are some useful tips for incoming freshmen to help them successfully navigate undergraduate life and make the most of the next four years:

As the administration has so graciously informed us, the class of 2017 features the most “academic strength” and the most students from Naperville yet. You’re one of the top 2,000 kids who consider Northwestern “the Ivy of the Midwest.” Also, good luck graduating in four years, Medill pre-meds.

College is a fresh start, so take a chance and be fun and outgoing for a few weeks before people catch on and realize you’re actually a weird loner.

Tell all of your new PA group friends how fast you can complete a Harry Potter Sporcle quiz and you will never be weird or alone, but remember that first impressions depend entirely on the icebreakers. If you start thinking now of a witty adjective consonant with your first name, maybe someone will invite you to a party on Garrett.

Dorm rooms have limited space, which means you should choose carefully when deciding which pieces you’d like to bring from your family’s statuary collection.

Or your high school football pictures. Or your Doctor Who regalia. Or your father’s Northwestern sweatshirts, because, you know, legacy.

Winking at your roommate will help break the ice.

Especially if you’re living in Hinman’s gender-open housing ;) ;) ;)

The pressure to drink alcohol at college can be a major distraction. Thankfully, as a freshman you are unable to legally drink and won’t have to deal with this pressure for three more years.

Thank God for the freshman freeze! Three weeks of sober fun highlighted by marching through an arch, a fifties-era beach bash and totally overestimating your rallying abilities by signing up for a 9 am class! [RIP TKOE]

Your new eating habits may cause the weight gain known as the Freshman 15, but that should change once you reach sophomore year, when your professors will introduce you to a variety of salads, fresh fruits, and nuts.

HOT COOKIE BARRRR will probably be the most exciting thing for all of five minutes. Real life: say “Happy Friday” to Ellery in Allison before you indulge in the weekly worst hungover brunch of your life Saturday in Plex. Thanks, NU Cuisine.

Be aware of your surroundings while on campus after dark. Many students have been known to take back the night.

The homeless guys outside of BK aren’t thattt bad. Also, the best way to take back the night is to Safe Ride anywhere more than 500 steps from your dorm. You’re welcome.

If you’re overweight and don’t like to party, change one of those things about yourself immediately.

There’s a reason that Blom has no air-conditioning and it’s probably the best/worst thing that ever happened to South Campus.

Entering a long-distance relationship with your high school sweetheart is a sound decision that you absolutely won’t regret when you’re 28 and looking back on all those amazing late-night Skype sessions.

You may think that reminiscing about that incredible night at prom will keep your teen love story alive for approximately 45.4% of fall quarter, but that number will be closer to 0.2% after a particularly drunken Fall Blowout. Good thing our favorite on-campus ladykiller (the man, the myth, the almost legend, Chet Haze) graduated or else we’d really be in trouble.

Be open to meeting people, as the friends you make freshman year are likely to be the friends you have throughout college, then fall out of touch with after graduation, then see every three to seven years after that.

If your friendship lasts longer than Wildcat Welcome, congratulations. Welcome to Northwestern and don’t forget, #gocats

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