Ask Flippy: Help! I Can’t Write Essays Anymore Without the White Noise of Violent Coughing. What Should I Do?

Dear Flippy,

A few weeks ago, I decided to get my shit together and grind out a 10-page research paper in the library. I sat down in Deering and immediately noticed that everyone around me was not just coughing, but disgustingly hacking. I don’t know how to describe it, but something just came over me. My typing fingers moved at the speed of light and my mind was bursting with ideas as the melodic din of the coughs blocked out all distractions.

Ever since that day, I’ve been getting at least 95s on all my essays. I can’t believe it Flippy!

But what’s even crazier is that it seems like my work is at its peak when the coughs around me are particularly nasty. Or in simpler terms: the wetter the better! Basically, the quality of my work is contingent upon how sick Northwestern students are. For example, I only used the word “contingent” just now because the person behind me sounds like they might be dying.

I’m scared, though, because I’ve noticed people getting healthier and I’m worried that without those loud coughs, my grades are going to suffer. Please help Flippy! My GPA depends on it!

Sincerely,

A borderline sadist

Dear borderline sadist,

You seem so focused on the coughs of those around you, but have you ever considered being your very own generator of the priceless white noise? It’s the perfect solution! All you have to do is make sure you get sick as soon as possible. 

First, throw out your water bottle because you can no longer hydrate yourself. Then, go to Bobb and make out with every person you see. You MUST use tongue. Last, you should ruin your diet. In general, never even think about eating a vegetable. Your shit should come out looking AWFUL. Oh, and certainly don’t let yourself get any sleep. You must leave no stone unturned and before you know it, you’ll be hacking up a storm.

It’s time to be your own hero.

Get worse soon,

Flippy

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