Op-Ed: If There Are 300 Million Fraudulent Voters, Why Will None of Them Date Me?

I would normally trust known truth-to-power speaker Mike Lindell, founder of ESTEEMED AMERICAN BRAND MyPillow, with my entire life. However, in this one case I just can’t find a way to comprehend it. I don’t understand how there can be so many liars out there, and none of them want to get nasty with me. Are they so busy counterfeiting ballots that they forgot about my gorgeous masculine form and problematic personality?

I’m not saying Mr. Lindell is wrong. In fact, I believe him, but I just think he might have missed a few crucial facts. First and foremost, I’m pretty sure every fraudulent voter was a straight man. Second, if they were beautiful women, they probably hated America and attractive men for no reason.

I just can’t fathom how no nice young women with bodacious bods want me. I pump iron daily (no rest days), I obviously have great political opinions, and I would have gladly debated and slowly overexplained each point to them. My bed is fitted out with award-winning MyPillow pillows. Each one uses liberal tears instead of water in the manufacturing process, making it extra cozy. I sleep like a baby, and yet no women want to enjoy that pure bliss with me, the peak specimen of the masculine form?

Were there even 300 million votes total last election? I haven’t checked. Has even one voter slid into my DM’s? Not yet. I hope they all end up in prison for being so cruel to poor oppressed me.

I don’t cry, but if I did, I would shed one manly tear into my MyPillow pillow.

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