Nu Marriage Pact Runs Out of Men, Unintentionally Doubles Lesbian Population

A little over 400 men. Approximately 2800 women. The wide gender disparity of this year’s NU Marriage Pact participants caused coordinators to have to think outside the box.

“We decided to ditch the ‘friends match’ for a ‘lifelong woman partner match’ this year. Just to try something new,” said NU Marriage Pact administrators in a recent statement. 

It appears that ‘trying something new’ has been taken to heart for many of the women who received a match with the same sex. Surveys show a sudden doubling in the number of students who identify as lesbian, as well as an increase in vests worn and short side comb haircuts. 

The demographic shift doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon. The Interfraternity Council has stated that attendance at their latest “gatherings which definitely do not have alcohol”, has hit a new low, with only twitchy, sweaty, desperate freshman boys lining up in the quad. 

Regina DeGeneres-Paulsen, represents a triumph of the Marriage Pact. “Chloe and I matched on Tuesday,” she said. “It is so refreshing to finally have someone who actually knows what a clit is. We are moving in together tomorrow.” 

Flipside reached out to NU Marriage Pact to discover the organization’s next steps. According to administrators, Drake is interested in becoming a representative of their new initiative.

DeGeneres-Paulsen agrees with the potential partnership. “I always thought that Drake had a real lesbian energy,” she said. 

When reminded that Drake is in fact a heterosexual man, DeGeneres-Paulsen confirmed her statement. “He still serves cunt.”

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