“Ahahaha Saltburn Was Sooooo Crazy,” Says Friend Unaware They Will Die On March 17, 2054 In A Tragic Bus Fire
“Oh my God, did you see Saltburn? That movie was craaaaaazy,” stated Amanda O’Keefe during a dining hall meal with her friends last Monday, unaware of the fact that she will die at the age of 49 after a CTA bus traveling throughout downtown Evanston becomes engulfed in flames.
“I mean, it was probably one of the weirdest films I’ve ever seen. Like I was cringing in the theater,” she continued, without knowing that the bus fire will claim Amanda as its only casualty.
“Jacob Elordi though? Sooooooo hot. I’m like, so fucking delulu about him that I genuinely think I have a shot,” stated Amanda, free from the knowledge that her passing will leave behind her dedicated husband Jacob, their three children, and chocolate labrador,
“Bruiser.” Jacob and Amanda will meet at a frat mixer after she holds his hair back while he pukes in the Reza’s bathroom.
Neither Jacob nor Amanda know that the fire was preventable, not brought about accidentally, but through under-the-table bribery to bypass regular inspections on the bus’s machinery. The officials who caused the bus fire will never face jail time for what they did. Amanda’s children will visit her gravesite every year, and Jacob will never remarry.
“It’s alright, I guess. I preferred Promising Young Woman,” finished Amanda.