President Donald Trump, calm and measured as always, announced plans to resume nuclear testing last Thursday while at a trade meeting in South Korea. Trump claimed the measure was in response to increased Russian aggression from recent (non-nuclear) missile tests and (actually nuclear) comments from Russian president Putin comparing Trump to an earwax-covered q-tip. Independent agencies have raised alarms over safety and diplomatic concerns from potential testing, but the public and the professionals are both ignoring the most dangerous part of “Trumpatomics:” the president’s animal nuclear testing plan.

Trump has always expressed a strong distaste for animals, which his sister, Mary, attributed to an incident when his high school girlfriend was too enamored with the family dog to focus on having sex with him when she came to visit the house. Despite painting himself as a savior of animals from supposedly hostile Haitian immigrants, he said in private that the Haitians “had the right idea.” This distaste manifested most bluntly when Trump, at a Joint Chiefs of Staff meeting, said the U.S. military should conduct nuclear testing on animals “like how Sephora does it… we have these bombs, beautiful bombs, American-made bombs sitting around, unused and millions of perfect test subjects out there.”

One precedent Trump cited was 1957’s Operation Plumbbob, when pigs, wearing protective suits made from different materials, were subjected to a 37-kiloton blast to determine which materials were most effective as armor. Vice president Vance proposed new versions of the test could use the cats and dogs of childless women “in those stupid fucking little vests and booties they always make them wear” for a similar effect.

The Trump administration official most excited for the tests was Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, who infamously put down her own dog, Cricket, after a hunting trip. Noem suggested that pets, as non-humans and owners’ property, could be rounded up by ICE agents as a part of the ongoing immigration raids.

“Don’t be alarmed if masked men break into your house and kidnap Rover… his blood, sacrificed by means of state-of-the-art thermonuclear weapons, will invigorate this country’s great rebirth,” Noem said at a press conference.

Since the median voter cares about animal welfare 185% more than human welfare, these tests could have serious blowback for Republicans leading up to the midterms. Nonetheless, the Trump administration stands ready to bomb Old Yeller with tears of joy in their eyes.