Northwestern libraries have added new amenities to the Engineering Library this quarter. Many students are familiar with the unconventional vending machines around Mudd, which include a smoothie machine and a laptop charger machine. The newest offering will be a methamphetamine dispenser, where students can use dining dollars to purchase a little lock-in aid.  

All the library’s existing accommodations fuel students for long hours of studying, either through nutrition or a battery charge. This new machine promises an even more powerful boost, without some of the red tape normally associated with procuring stimulants.  

Firstly, the machines will require no prescription. As a university spokesperson stated, “No one can even read what those doctors even write. And, between you and me, if giving these kids some meth bumps us back up to T6, then who am I to say no?”  

Northwestern has also announced that these pills will be covered by the student health insurance plan. This cost-cutting measure is made possible due to the fact that the drugs will be synthesized by the NU Department of Chemistry. While some students believe that this is a positive way to make these power-ups more accessible to all, others worry that forcing 131 students to make meth during their lab time could cause quality control issues. 

One student even went as far as to say that “This is the most immoral thing to happen in our school’s chemistry department since, like, that guy was in the Epstein files. Honestly, maybe this is worse. I don’t wanna have to make one of my friends trip-sit me in Mudd of all places.” 

The first machine will become available in mid-November, before fall quarter finals.