Donner’s Party Ends in Disaster, Cannibalism
After drawing lots, the starving group members were forced to kill and eat Samuel Crafice, Donner’s twenty-three–year-old coworker.
Football Team Disappointed in Lack of Post-Game Chick-Fil-A
Senior captain Brandon Vitabile commented on the unfortunate situation. “I can’t believe it. To come all this way only to find out it was all for nothing.”
Northwestern Athlete Makes Invaluable Contribution to Discussion Section
“He gave such an outstanding insight into our topic that I immediately felt guilty about all of the times I devalued his academic worth.”
Cops and CAPS Wage War on Happiness
It appears that these two organizations have secretly joined forces with the Dementors of Azkaban to foster gloominess among the students at Northwestern.
In Memoriam: Zoboomafoo the Talking Lemur
Community mourns beloved lemur. Contemplates death and 90’s childhood.
Flipside Profiles: Rick Santorum
Northwestern University’s College Republicans recently announced that former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum will be speaking in Fisk Hall on Wednesday, November 19.
ASG Announces Winter Quarter Funding Allocations
After conspicuously embezzling large portions of the money, the ASG Student Groups committee has announced its funding allocations for the next quarter.
Ebola Tries to Rebrand Itself a Fad Diet
“It’s like a less-extreme weight-loss supplement. Our ancestors believed in the power of bloodletting, and, the way we see it, Ebola has a similar effect.”
Evanston Police Use Yik Yak to Solve Bike Theft
“When I was checking the app on my lunch break, I noticed Doby’s yak had received so many upvotes in so little time. This meant it was serious, so I put my top investigator on the case right away,” Eddington said.
Drunken Freshmen Remember the “Saturday Shit Show”
Dan Rivers, WCAS ’18, and John Rice, MEAS ’18, freshman roommates, were seen holding each other in what can only be described as a bromantic embrace as they tried to describe what had gone down.