NRA Begins Program to Hand Out Free Guns to People Who Look Like Good Guys
“I’m sorry sir, but you’ll need to shave that ‘stache before I can hand you one of these AKs.”
Tom Clancy Dies; Cold War Finally Over
BREAKING: Keys Lost!
“Most of the people helping just scanned the ground, but I went straight for the bushes and got down on all fours, because I’m not afraid to do the hard jobs,” said a student helping search for the missing key.
Childish Gambino Thrilled to Perform at Chet Haze’s Alma Mater
Demonstrating a strong knowledge of Haze’s discography, Gambino stated that Haze’s debut single “White and Purple” was a musical triumph that inspired the award-winning writer and comedian to focus on his rap career.
BREAKING: Philosophy Major Receives Job Offer
Northwestern Tour Guide Walks Backwards into Open Sewer Drain
“And here we have the Thomas Crapper Memorial…”
Government Shutdown Effectively Ends Racism
By closing all national parks, the Ku Klux Klan was forced to cancel their rally in Gettysburg National Military Park. As a result, the shutdown has ended racism.
Evanston Congresswoman Arrested for Being a Model Citizen
“Members of Congress are expected to comply with the long-upheld standard of doing nothing right,” said Head of Congressional Security Ron Mullins.
Freshman Method Acting Class Disrupts Traffic
Northwestern students and faculty alike were dismayed Wednesday afternoon to discover a barricade made mainly of desks, chairs, stolen bikes, and Norris at Night giveaway water bottles completely blocking Sheridan Road.
Humanity Returns from Eye Doctor; Hindsight Lowered to 40/20