Mayor Tisdahl Cancels A&O Blowout for Fear of “Group Love”
Singer You’ve Never Heard of Writes Open Letter to Singer You Don’t Care About
“I never meant to start a war…”
President Schapiro Announces Reelection Campaign
Schapiro warned that the campaign would not be easy. “There are certain to be challengers funded by special interest groups and a capella musicians, if you can call that ‘music.’ There are certain to be vicious ads taped to the sidewalk which will remain long after the campaign is done.”
Career Porn: How Eminem Makes My Head Spin
There are careers that make you say “oh baby” and “that’s” it and “right there” and “yes yes yessss,” careers that make you reconsider the ethics of cloning and make you sympathize with all perpetrators of identity theft.
Science Invents Self-Assembling Robots; Going to Kill You
“Yeah, we’re really sorry about those Terminator movies.”
Lisa Myers, WCAS ’16, Launches Class Action Lawsuit against Lisa’s Café on Behalf of All NU Lisas
Chicago Freshman “Really Doesn’t Care” His Parents Aren’t Coming to Family Weekend
Layne cited the fact that they never came to any of his little league games or his piano recitals either as reasons why he is “totally chill with my parents skipping out on Family Weekend.”
Freshman Girl Falls into Sweat-Induced Coma at Frat Party
“When we got to the house she kept complaining about how hot and crowded it was. She even took off her monogrammed J.Crew cardi and draped it over her shoulders, even though I told her it made her look like a DAR member,” said the girl’s roommate.
Fire Alarm in Hinman During Game Confirms Which Students Don’t Give a Shit about Football
“Are we winning?”
Substance-Free Hall Wins Beer Pong Tournament
“Ittall hashta do witsh thee whrist…”