House Committee Forms to Decide Which Hand They Should Use to Jerk Off
“I’m thinking right… Can we put this to a vote? No? Okay, how about left? No? Well. I’m glad we’re all on the same page.”
Franz Ferdinand Chased out of Town by Pitchfork Magazine-Wielding Mob
“In the year 1959, the groundbreaking suspense-thriller and Hitchcock classic North by Northwest took the American cinema culture by storm, taking on issues like sexuality and pioneering the concept of a spy thriller long before they were accepted in the mainstream film industry,” shouted one angry protester.
Army-Navy Game Canceled, Army at Syria to Go on as Scheduled
The Air Force, Navy, and Army football games were put into jeopardy due to the government shutdown that began last Tuesday. The upcoming match in Syria will continue the rivalry between the Army and nearly every team in the MEC (Middle Eastern Conference).
Line for Mailroom Extends into Southern Albuquerque
“Now I really need my geography textbook…”
Students Complain about Evanston Residents’ Party
“This is a college town, a place for quiet study nights and no fun whatsoever. I’ve had just about enough of these Evanston residents interfering with my college lifestyle,” said a third-floor resident who wished to remain anonymous.
Ted Cruz Filibusters Wife’s Board Game Night Decision
Senator Cruz touched upon the Socialist implications of randomly distributing cards to the players and having a equitably rotating judge pick a card based on its humor or applicability.
20 Hospitalized with Vicious Infection from Really Viral Video
Lindsay Lohan Dead After Overkill on October 3 Mean Girls Jokes
Cooper Manning Leads New York Giants to 0-5 Start
The older brother of quarterbacks Peyton and Eli Manning, Cooper was diagnosed with spinal stenosis when he was 18, seemingly ending his athletic career. But more than 20 years later, he has made his return to football as a 39-year-old rookie for the Giants.
STUDY: The Ohio State University is Worst Institution
“Our study compared The Ohio State University to not only formally structured institutions such as the Ku Klux Klan and Al Qaeda, but also societal institutions such as bigotry and poverty,” said leading author Professor Richard Ashley.