Students Arrested for Vandalizing Large Rock-like Structure
EVANSTON—In a shocking turn of events, Evanston police arrested three NU students for painting a rock-like structure late Friday night. “Those kids had a good three buckets of paint,” said police commissioner Danny Buckter. “They were slopping paint all over the place. Graffiti just can’t be tolerated on campus.” Buckter added, “You would think that the kids at Northwestern would have their heads screwed on right. I guess the SATs don’t test you on civic responsibility!” Mary Finkel, a Weinberg
Rep. Boehner Stimulates the Economy in Just the Right Way
Confused Freshman Paints the Arch
Freshman Point Guard Misunderstands Meaning of “Pregame”
EVANSTON—David Stephens, a highly touted freshman point guard, was reported as being “shocked and confused” by a pregaming event at Bobb last Friday. Stephens was invited to the party by his roommate, Jack Vineyard, “I figured, the dude’s an athlete,” Vineyard said, “I thought he’d understand what a pregame is. I couldn’t have been more wrong.” Stephens initially seemed exuberant upon hearing of the pregame. “I told Jack I just had to grab my ball and my bag and I’d
Disney Slays Mickey Mouse, Reveals Evil German Replacement
ORLANDO, FL—After announcing plans to retire its trademark cartoon, Disney unveiled yesterday its new icon, Mick Maus. A company spokesperson, Sven Britton, said the change is indicative of Disney’s shift in target audience from the family sector to surly teen-aged douchebags. According to Britton, Maus’s newly-penned back story details his past as a juvenile delinquent. “He wears a lot of black. He blows cigarette smoke in your face just because he can. He’s generally the type of tool you take
Ask The Flipside – Swine Flu
Dear NU Flipside, Swine flu is definitely a zombie virus. How can I survive the zombie apocalypse? Sincerely, James Walshington Well James, we here at The Northwestern Flipside have put many hours into the study of zombies and can say with great certainty that this so called “swine flu” is really a government ploy to cover up the reality that the dead are being reanimated as zombies. In the course of our studies, we have also devised a comprehensive survival
New Taco Bell Item Ready For Human Testing
Beanie Baby Collection Solidifies Area Grandma as Investing Powerhouse
WILMETTE, IL—Area grandma Gertrude Smith catapulted herself to untold riches last week after closing on her 12-year financial plan, which involved investing in Ty Beanie Babies. The sale of her 270 beloved sacks of beads, worth almost nothing, inexplicably raised her net worth to an estimated $1.8 Billion. The plush animals, a fad from 1997, were snatched up by rabid consumers and hoarded as rare collector’s items, despite having been as readily available as water. Many cited the future potential