Author Archives: Flippy

Cubs Sign Epstein, Fans Fear Success

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CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs recently announced the signing of ex-Red-Sox general manager Theo Epstein to a 5 year-$20 million contract, making him one of the highest paid non-players on the Cubs directly behind Carlos Zambrano, Alfonso Soriano, and Ryan Dempster. Epstein, who is just coming off the most unproductive month of his career with the Red Sox, is expected to fit in flawlessly with the overpaid, underperforming style of play the Cubs have perfected over the years. “We are

Read more No. 64, Sports

EU Votes Against Bailing Greece Out of Jail

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THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS – The International Criminal Court today announced that it would continue holding Greece in prison indefinitely as it was unable to find a country willing to pay the $532 billion necessary to make bond. Greece, awaiting trial for numerous crimes including kidnapping and false imprisonment of a Lacoste mannequin, assault and battery of an Albanian Gypsy, and grand larceny of a dozen Nair products from an Athens CVS, refused to comment through its lawyer. “It is tragic

Read more Business, No. 63, World

Typo Mislabels Seth Meyers “Grand Dragon” of NU Homecoming

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EVANSTON — The Daily Northwestern stirred up controversy recently when a gaffe by one of their reporters, who mistakenly named Seth Meyers to lead the parade as “Grand Dragon,” slipped by the publication’s copy editors. Meyers will be serving as the parade’s Grand Marshal, but many have jumped to conclusions upon seeing Meyers’ name associated with a title normally bestowed upon high-ranking members of the Ku Klux Klan. Upon reading the article, Grand Cyclops Darrol Freedman Jr. of the Evanston

Read more Local, No. 62

NU Apologizes to Blind Students in Email

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EVANSTON – A lawsuit was filed against Northwestern University last March by a group of blind students. The students claimed that the University was discriminating against blind students by using a Google email client that is not fully compatible with text-to-speech software. Last week, Northwestern administrators apologized to the blind students in an email sent out to the Students With Disabilities listserv. Below is the text of that email. from: uservices@northwestern.edu <uservices@northwestern.edu> to: SSDLIST@listserv.it.northwestern.edu <SSDLIST@listserv.it.northwestern.edu> date: Fri, Mar. 15, 2011

Read more Articles, Local, No. 56

Due to NFL Lockout, Players Forced to Actually Learn

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EVANSTON —  Due to the recent NFL lockout, universities across the country are being forced to reconsider their football programs, which often allow players to attend college without ever really being challenged. Some schools have chosen to actually try to educate their players, but the more common response has been to simply send them back to middle school, where they will fit in academically. According to Bill Finkelton, the director of the University of Alabama football program, they’re going to

Read more Articles, Local, No. 54, Sports
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