Obama Pardons Turkey; Gitmo Detainees Still Waiting
Author Archives: Flippy
73% Find Sorority Preview “Terrifying”
EVANSTON – According to a study performed by the Psychology Department at Northwestern University on Tuesday, 73% of participating freshmen were “absolutely terrified” by sorority recruitment preview. “It’s really understandable,” Panhellenic Council President Sarah Borges commented. “Six hours of inane small talk, uncomfortable fashion, and tightly-stretched fake smiles? It’s a lot like Dante’s fourth circle of Hell.” Following this Saturday’s six-hour marathon of lightning rounds of frivolous chitchat, outdated traditions like door chants, and judgmental looks over awkwardly eaten food
Kardashian Divorce Brought to you by Valtrex
TLC Honors Gaddafi by Airing “What Not to Wear”
Cubs Sign Epstein, Fans Fear Success
CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs recently announced the signing of ex-Red-Sox general manager Theo Epstein to a 5 year-$20 million contract, making him one of the highest paid non-players on the Cubs directly behind Carlos Zambrano, Alfonso Soriano, and Ryan Dempster. Epstein, who is just coming off the most unproductive month of his career with the Red Sox, is expected to fit in flawlessly with the overpaid, underperforming style of play the Cubs have perfected over the years. “We are
EU Votes Against Bailing Greece Out of Jail
THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS – The International Criminal Court today announced that it would continue holding Greece in prison indefinitely as it was unable to find a country willing to pay the $532 billion necessary to make bond. Greece, awaiting trial for numerous crimes including kidnapping and false imprisonment of a Lacoste mannequin, assault and battery of an Albanian Gypsy, and grand larceny of a dozen Nair products from an Athens CVS, refused to comment through its lawyer. “It is tragic
Typo Mislabels Seth Meyers “Grand Dragon” of NU Homecoming
EVANSTON — The Daily Northwestern stirred up controversy recently when a gaffe by one of their reporters, who mistakenly named Seth Meyers to lead the parade as “Grand Dragon,” slipped by the publication’s copy editors. Meyers will be serving as the parade’s Grand Marshal, but many have jumped to conclusions upon seeing Meyers’ name associated with a title normally bestowed upon high-ranking members of the Ku Klux Klan. Upon reading the article, Grand Cyclops Darrol Freedman Jr. of the Evanston
Condom Garden Built Next to Beer Garden
Gawker Camps Out at Dillo Day, Waiting for NU To Fuck Up Again
Hipster Freshman Tries To Grow Own Beer Garden