Repeatedly stopping to calm down the jittery college president, sources reported today that Northwestern landscaping officials told Morton Schapiro all about the birds and the bees.
While giddily walking away from the prize counter, Northwestern president Morton Schapiro told reporters today that he had exchanged 200 Dave & Busters tickets for a Wildcats nightlight. “I’m a really big Northwestern sports fan, so I’m super excited to have my very own Wildcats nightlight. Oh boy!” Morty exclaimed. Morty reportedly earned the 200 tickets over several hours playing Skee-Ball, whack-a-mole, and pop-a-shot basketball. He was chaperoned around the venue by members of the Board of Trustees. “You should
“I have three midterms coming up, and I told my friend I’d get dinner with him soon. I just can’t do 4/20 until early next week at best,” Palmer said as he crammed for a reading quiz.
Opponent Alderman Mark Tendam, expressed skepticism at Hagerty’s claim. “Are there even 3,000 undocumented people in Evanston to do this?”
“I’ve been practicing all week in front of my mirror. Let’s just say everyone’s gonna love my fireman bit,” Westwood said with an utterly pitiful wink.
“Not knowing what else to do, I wandered into Lunt Hall, found an empty office, and just set up shop. The rest took care of itself.”
A week after Northwestern’s Interfraternity Council lifted its 9-week-old social ban on Greek-sponsored parties, University of Chicago administrators announced today that they too would be ending their university’s social ban, which has been in place for the entirety of the school’s 127-year existence. “When we put the social ban in place, we were very concerned about the prevalence of sexual assault, along with race-mixing and Spanish imperialism.” University of Chicago President Robert J. Zimmer said. “Since then, I think we’ve
Many observers credit the dweebs’ newfound success to their coach, Chris Collins, who, in a few short years, helped greatly improve their looks and confidence.
“There’s nobody sexier or more financially solvent than you, baby, and this Valentine’s Day I want you to feel special.”
To my knowledge, Morty is not black, or any other race other than white.