BREAKING: Philosophy Major Receives Job Offer
Category Archives: Archives
Northwestern Tour Guide Walks Backwards into Open Sewer Drain
“And here we have the Thomas Crapper Memorial…”
Government Shutdown Effectively Ends Racism
By closing all national parks, the Ku Klux Klan was forced to cancel their rally in Gettysburg National Military Park. As a result, the shutdown has ended racism.
Evanston Congresswoman Arrested for Being a Model Citizen
“Members of Congress are expected to comply with the long-upheld standard of doing nothing right,” said Head of Congressional Security Ron Mullins.
Freshman Method Acting Class Disrupts Traffic
Northwestern students and faculty alike were dismayed Wednesday afternoon to discover a barricade made mainly of desks, chairs, stolen bikes, and Norris at Night giveaway water bottles completely blocking Sheridan Road.
Humanity Returns from Eye Doctor; Hindsight Lowered to 40/20
House Committee Forms to Decide Which Hand They Should Use to Jerk Off
“I’m thinking right… Can we put this to a vote? No? Okay, how about left? No? Well. I’m glad we’re all on the same page.”
Franz Ferdinand Chased out of Town by Pitchfork Magazine-Wielding Mob
“In the year 1959, the groundbreaking suspense-thriller and Hitchcock classic North by Northwest took the American cinema culture by storm, taking on issues like sexuality and pioneering the concept of a spy thriller long before they were accepted in the mainstream film industry,” shouted one angry protester.
Army-Navy Game Canceled, Army at Syria to Go on as Scheduled
The Air Force, Navy, and Army football games were put into jeopardy due to the government shutdown that began last Tuesday. The upcoming match in Syria will continue the rivalry between the Army and nearly every team in the MEC (Middle Eastern Conference).
Line for Mailroom Extends into Southern Albuquerque
“Now I really need my geography textbook…”