Category Archives: Archives
Illegal Canadian Population Reaches 6
FORT KENT, MEâIn a stunning turn of events from the White House this past week, the president has been partially pulled back to the border debates of yesteryear with the latest in the shocking development that yet another Canadian had made it past the notorious 5 foot stretch between Canada and the US known in some circles as âThe Maple Express.â This is the first time in this millennium that one of our âsnowy brethrenâ from the north has made
Studentâs Facebook Mysteriously Undergoes Massive Changes All at Once
EVANSTONâAround 3:30 a.m. on Friday, Northwestern sophomore Alec Miller overhauled his Facebook, including changing his interests to men, his status to âI love the smell of dick in the morningâ and his birthday to that day. âI no we have nott spoken in monkths,â writes Miller on his ex-girlfriend’s wall, âbut my tiny dick misses you. XOXOXO.â âIâm gay now,â he posted right after. Miller also decided to rekindle relationships by starting chats with people from high school whose friend
Knicks Replace Team with Life-Size Replicas
NEW YORKâIn an effort to further reduce payroll, the Knicks have traded all of their remaining players for cheaper replicas. The replicas are life size models and realistic in nearly every respect. It takes a very trained eye to notice the difference. Avid Knicks fan Spike Lee has been attending games for years and only recently discovered that former Knick Nate Robinson was just an inflatable doll. When asked for details on the deal, Team President Donnie Walsh called it
Canadian to World: “Please Don’t Forget Aboot the Olympics, Eh?”
Overzealous Catholic Student Appears in Black Face for Ash Wednesday
Area Man Loses Phone, Needs Numbers
NU Unveils Updated iPhone App, Enables Direct Chat With Morty
EVANSTONâNAGS (Northwesternâs Annoying Geek Squad) released NUâs iPhone app version 1.3333 (repeating) yesterday in order to fix bugs in the old system and add more student-friendly features. âOur first priority was to fix minor problems and glitches within the software. The most obvious error was an unfortunate spelling error in âLunt Hallâ on the GPS map,â said head developer Smith Bergman. âStudents also requested that we add âThirsty Thursdaysâ to the campus events calendar. I assume thatâs an ASG initiative
Diary of Anne Frank Stored Away in Secret Annex
CULPEPPER, VAâParents in the Culpepper County school system have called for a ban of Anne Frankâs erotic novel, The Diary of a Young Girl: The Definitive Edition. Based on the accounts of a young Jewish girl, the book contains some of the Frankâs most sexually explicit thoughts. Reportedly, a passage made mention of the female reproductive organ, which Frank refers to as a âvagina.â Naturally, this raised major concern among parents whose children attended the districtâs schools. âMy daughter is
Medill 2030 Shifts Focus to Students Pursuing Other More Profitable Careers
EVANSTONâWith newspapers more commonly used nowadays to cover up Keg-induced vomit or Stephen Demosâ tears, the Medill School of Journalism announced yesterday that it plans to alter its curriculum to keep pace with the modern world. Medill 2030 gets rid of the old stuff nobody cares about (like writing and reporting), replacing its previous curricula with accounting, biochemical engineering and lawâprofessions that actually have jobs available. âWe call it New Journalism,â explained Medill Dean Levine. âThe emphasis tends to be