Category Archives: No. 62

SCAPE Project Interrupted By Second Coming of Christ

EVANSTON — Last Sunday Northwestern University freshmen were forced by the Evanston mayor to pretend they give a rat’s ass and volunteer in their new community through the inaugural SCAPE Project. However, the students were interrupted in their attempted philanthropy by Jesus’ return to Earth. Despite their moaning and bitching about the probable rainfall, disgruntled students, after awakening from the comas Mayor Tisdahl’s speech had put them into, were herded out into downtown Evanston early Sunday morning to “Give Back,

Insomniac Students Mistaken for Raccoons

EVANSTON — Since the beginning of Fall classes, students have reported to the Evanston Animal Control Bureau an alarming increase in the number of large, nocturnal creatures wandering around campus. Many students, aware of the abundance of wildlife in the area, have shrugged these unidentifiable fiends off as raccoons, due to the black circles around the creatures’ eyes. Most witnesses report the raccoons meandering near the library or rolling down the stairs of Tech, leaving trails of graphing paper all

Class of 2015 Facebook Page Causes Mass Confusion

EVANSTON – The relatively late start of fall quarter caused not only boredom, anxiety, and a head start on the Freshman Fifteen, but it also inspired incoming freshmen to let out their bottled emotions through the help of the “Northwestern University Class of 2015” Facebook page. This led to seemingly bizarre and embarrassing posts that forced freshmen to worry about the sanity of their classmates. Worry not, Class of 2015! Here is an abridged translation guide that might clear up

Hundreds of Freshmen Play Essential NU Drinking Game

EVANSTON – Freshmen passed out in droves at this year’s Wildcat Welcome, and campus administrators suspect that some type of drinking game was afoot during the lecture. Stacy Herman, the event coordinator, said the drinking game had a simple premise. “The fact of the matter is that taking a shot every time we said ‘peer pressure,’ ‘disappointment,’ or ‘started failing all my classes’ is a complete disappointment to the University and a very clear cave-in to peer pressure. I would

Texas Inmates Breathe Sigh Of Relief As Perry Helps Them Shave Off Pounds

SAN ANTONIO, TX — Standing like a triumphant Davy Crockett outside the most historical, revered building in all of the great nation of Texas, with the Denny’s sign brilliantly aglow behind his coifed locks, Governor Rick Perry spoke about his new plan to cut last meals for death row inmates. “No more will we have to bear the brunt of ragamuffin, tarnation-filled, yellow-bellied allegations that Texans are overweight. These inmates just have to learn to cut back.” Despite some uproar

New Cognitive Disease Causes Millions To Use Hashtags, Annoys Billions Of Others

EVANSTON – An infectious disease causing millions of people to insert pound signs followed by senseless clichés at the end of all their typed sentences is quickly becoming a global pandemic. First affecting only attention-seeking Twitter addicts, the virus has now spread to Facebook users, Google Plus members, and countless others, essentially annoying the living fuck out of anyone on Earth who has yet to catch the sickness. “Facebook is bad enough as it is. Whiny status updates about how

Girl Who Said She “Would Die Without Her Phone” Apparently Not Kidding Around

EDISON, NJ – Fifteen year old Sarah Murphy was found dead last night in front of her New Jersey home. After an autopsy was conducted and medical records were reviewed, doctors concluded the cause of death was Sarah’s rare, fatal form of object-oriented separation anxiety which caused her to collapse after the discovery that her phone was not in her Vera Bradley tote bag. Detectives have taken the prime phone theft suspect, 16-year-old self-proclaimed hipster Penelope Fox, into custody. No

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