BREAKING: Flying Creature Attacks Civilians at Water Tower Place
“I’ve never seen anything like it before. People who have never met before today are all lovey-dovey with each other.”
Category Archives: Local
Point/Counterpoint: Should Evanston Have a Skatepark?
ETHS student Patrick Thornby argues, “No, this isn’t a good idea for such a first-class model community,” while retired musician Paul Hamilton says, “Hell yeah! Let’s do it!”
Local Shuttle Regrets Leaving You Behind
“It pained me to leave that student behind. The expression on his face as I drove away is frozen into my mind. I see it every time I close my eyes. I can’t sleep at night. I’m a failure,” said the shuttle.
Local Girl Wears Balaclava, Looks Surprisingly Spectacular
A well-informed fashionista with her own fashion tumblr, she was aware of the stigma surrounding the garment. However, for once in her damn life, she decided her safety was more important than fashion.
Thousands Still Late to Class after Cold Catches Evanston Completely Prepared
Local authorities have been unable to calculate just how many people have missed the first few minutes of class where the professor tries to get students’ attention without being rude but estimates are running in the tens-of-thousands.
Flappy Bird More Addictive Than Hard Drugs; Schapiro to Ban It at NU
“Due to the drastic levels of Flappy Bird being played on this campus, I’m instituting threat level DEFCON 0.003. In other words, this is the most serious threat to our Northwestern community since classes were held during the polar vortex.”
Daily Northwestern Uncovers Daily Northwestern Hazing Scandal
From paddles to keg-stands, boxing to nudity, and interviews with Mayor Tisdahl to covering Northwestern Football, it seems the directors of The Daily stopped at nothing to torture their new reporters.
Edzo’s Open for Dinner; ‘You’re Welcome,’ Says God
“Ask and ye shall receive, bitch,” added the King of Kings, putting His feet up on His heavenly footstool.
A Message from the NU Emergency Management System Regarding Extreme Cold
For students afflicted with a scheduled ten-minute trek from the Technological Institute to University Hall, cross country skis will be available for rental from Norris Outdoors, provided staff is able to unfreeze the padlock on the closet where they’re stored.
University Anti-Career Services Urges Students to Watch Netflix
“I can’t believe the number of people that attend job fairs. Don’t these people have something better to do than waste away their lives by getting jobs? It makes me sick,” said Park Mesnell, Executive Director for University Anti-Career Services.