Crack-Selling Sophomore Changes DM Fundraising Tactics
“The thing with drugs is that they get old after a while. People want something new and exciting. That’s where I got my next idea.”
Category Archives: Local
Skinhead Street Artist Upset No One Appreciates His Work
At first, Sanger was pleased with the amount of attention his carved swastika was receiving, but when he realized the reviews and comments about his art were consistently negative, his excitement quickly gave way to disappointment.
SEEN & HEARD: “It’s Going Down” at the Tappa Tappa Keg and Quad Delt Mixer
The new pledge classes get to do everything they were forbidden to talk about during recruitment, i.e. everything that made them want to join Greek life in the first place.
Northwestern Math Department Introduces New Number between Seven and Eight
“This number, called ‘dag,’ will be somewhere in between seven and eight. We don’t really know yet,” said Dr. Jared Wunsch, Math Department Chair.
New Pledges Excited to Begin Process of Labor, Peer Pressure, and Borderline Torture
“Man, I can’t wait to start,” said SESP freshman Max Janson. “Waiting on bended knee to serve the brothers I barely know—that’s what this is all about.”
Hinman Power Outage Results in Social Media Isolation, Deaths
January 5 escalated into full-scale madness in 1835 Hinman. The Hinman Hunger Games, as residents are calling it, have claimed sixteen lives so far and the death toll is only rising.
Whatever, Freshman Didn’t Want to Be a Part of Your Stupid Little Man-Club Anyway
After a week of rushing campus fraternity Beta Beta Beta without receiving a bid, area freshman Brandon Bottomsworth reportedly couldn’t care less that he wasn’t accepted into the group, because BBB is a bunch of big meanie-jerks who don’t know a quality candidate when they see one, those poopy doopy poop-heads.
International Student Welcomed Back to US with TSA Frisking
Gupta was positively beaming upon his return to Evanston from Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport, bearing news of “the least unpleasant airport experience of his life.”
Area Snowman Braces for Finals
The stress of impending finals is taking a hard toll on McFrostkins. “I haven’t had time to laugh and play in weeks,” he said. “And I keep hearing this strange beating noise in my head—thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump—it’s driving me mad.”
Report: Daily Northwestern Still a Thing, Apparently
The editorial staff of one of Northwestern’s oldest and least-read student publications has confirmed that the heavily-outdated form of media it calls The Daily is still alive and well, and in fact is still trying to deliver news to Northwestern students and Evanston residents alike.