McClaren packaged his product and took it to the outlying neighborhoods of Chicago, where he sold it to other dealers, homeless addicts, and several mayors of various Canadian cities. He used a portion of the profits to fund the production of the next batch and the rest went to his DM fund.
Tears were shed as the hero of the day approached the microphone for a speech. Patricia Telles-Irvin was spotted comforting Pat Fitzgerald, softly purring, “There, there. Who needs the Big Ten? You got Maine and that was good!”
“At the very least, it feels good to have a ranking in which we beat those assholes at Penn,” said Isiah Miller, a junior in the Medill School of Journalism, who was rejected from the University of Pennsylvania when applying to colleges.
Bass would later write a letter of complaint, but was only rebuked. According to the library’s official statement, “it is our duty to provide the public with information and resources, regardless of how they may use them.”
“There are many universities whose teams’ names fully encapsulate everything their students aspire to be—the Cornhuskers of Nebraska, the Volunteers of Tennessee, and the dumb-as-nuts Buckeyes of The Ohio State University,” commented Jim Phillips, Vice President for Athletics and Recreation.
Although there won’t be any more controversial cookies, if any members of the too perfect and altogether brilliant class of 2017 are absolutely terrified, prepare yourselves. Recruitment 2014 is happening.
After analyzing the data, Chanis was shocked to find the most common response being “the lack of consistent Wi-Fi” (31%), outpacing even the expected “I don’t have the time” response (24%) and the “I’m not a motherf—–g pervert!” retort (22%).
“[The Band is] totally turned on by victory,” said Tom, a Medill junior who would not give his last name. “And by big sticks,” he added. The Marching Band is believed to be entering a new relationship with the Women’s Field Hockey Team.
“I just could not comprehend how this idiot couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that there is absolutely no correlation between authoritarian rule and speed of economic development,” O’Donnell later told police.
While Schapiro failed the definitive Packard-Woller Extraterrestrial Examination, the Tanzer-Pfaff Jewish Ratio found that the name “Schapiro” has the requisite 5:3 proportion of consonants to vowels, denoting a 78% probability of Jewishness.