Category Archives: Local

Defensive Line Benched for Fashion Faux Pas

One comment

EVANSTON — Although there has been a lot of hype around the recently ranked Northwestern Football team, the Wildcats will be playing this Saturday without their starting defensive line. As the Northwestern community has long been aware, the team has a strict dress policy on weekdays: a Northwestern Football sweatshirt with a complementary pair of gray or black sweat pants. Any attempt to disobey this policy results in severe punishment. This past Monday, the defensive line boldly disregarded the rules,

Read more Local, No. 90

Northwestern Feels Awkward Asking Seth Meyers to Come Two Years in a Row

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — The six Northwestern students who actually watch Around the Horn rejoiced when the university named J. A. Adande to lead Northwestern’s 2012 Homecoming parade. “This is an event all Northwestern students look forward to, and I could not be more honored to reveal our Homecoming Marshal as… shit, what’s his name?” announced President Morton Schapiro earlier this month. The announcement culminated a long and often frustrating search for an important public figure. “Do you think we’d be coming

Read more Local, No. 90

Daily Northwestern Forced to Lay Off Slave Drivers after Losing Advertisers

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — A long-standing tradition of excellence and diligence took a huge hit last week when The Daily Northwestern laid off all of their slave drivers in light of recent reductions in their advertising revenue. “Yeah, we saw that we were in the hole, we figured our only option was to slash all these Eastern Europeans we have running around here,” said Alex Harrison, editor-in-chief. “But I sure will miss the pained moans of all our beat reporters as those

Read more Local, No. 90

Entire Population of Long Island Goes Missing

Leave a comment

LONG ISLAND, NY — In a bizarre coincidence, Northwestern University welcomed students’ family and friends for their annual family weekend from Friday October 19 to Sunday October 21, and the entire population of Long Island, New York has gone missing. “Where’d they go?” cried Syosset Mayor Rich Goldman. The island’s population was discovered missing on Friday night, when nearby Manhattan resident Aaron Weiner drove up to surprise his sister, her husband, and their two kids. “I was feeling lucky because the

Read more Local, Nation, No. 90

Willie the Wildcat Gains Freshman 15, Says “It’s All fur”

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern bloggers took to their Macbooks this week after photos of a noticeably fluffier Willie the Wildcat began circulating after Tuesday night’s marching band practice. While NU’s favorite feline denies he’s gained even a little bit of the freshman 15 during his 79th year at college, sorority member Katie VanHousen of Neva Eta Bagela recently tweeted one of the now infamous photos with the hashtags “#ewwwww,” “#SOGROSS,” and “#totalfatty!” “It’s just FUR!” the embarrassed mascot meowed to a

Read more Local, No. 89

Weinberg Senior Unearths Massive Northwestern Conspiracy

Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The “Nothing Happened” Rock is an inconspicuous pinkish rock near Annie May Swift Hall that decrees that “On this site in 1897 Nothing Happened.” The mysterious and perplexing rock has captured the attention of Weinberg senior Andy Atkins, an anthropology and geology double major, who has been studying the rock for three years. Atkins believes that the rock covers a secret entrance to Northwestern’s underground society, Deru. “I never trusted that shady group,” said Atkins, “and when I

Read more Local, No. 89

With Family Weekend Looming, Students Clean Room for First Time

Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Approximately one month after leaving home for the first time, dozens of underclassmen have been frantically cleaning their dorm rooms for the first time ever. During their first month of college, these students have been continuously lying to their parents about their cleanliness and organizational habits, saying that college forces them to be much more on top of things than they were back home. In an attempt to sell the lie to their parents when they come to

Read more Local, No. 89

Allison Hall Government Plans Big Changes, “No Longer a Party Dorm”

Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Newly elected representatives of Allison’s Hall Government have vowed to eliminate the dorm’s dastardly culture of constant intoxicated debauchery. Social Chair Cam Speller stated, “Residents were tired of the way Allison was, two people drunkenly stumbling down a hallway at midnight, occasional noise past 10 PM… I ran on the promise to change that.” Residents agreed; Weinberg freshman Max Turning of the second floor commented, “We thought that having strict CSOs would solve this problem; unfortunately, Allison is

Read more Local, No. 89

Residential Hall Election Results Unofficial Until Jeb Bush Has Access to Them

Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Students across the Northwestern campus were stunned to find out that fairly-counted votes for student government positions would be re-counted by Jeb Bush in order to determine the real winners. “The Allison presidential position looked like a landslide victory,” admitted resident Brad Turner, a Weinberg freshman, “but it’s always good to have the trustworthy Jeb Bush re-count for us!” Other students, though, weren’t too thrilled with Bush being in charge of the re-count. “I just think he’s done

Read more Local, No. 89, Politics

Lisa’s Café Falls to Savagery Minutes Before Equivalency Points Renew

Leave a comment

EVANSTON – On Saturday evening, excitement turned to panic as students realized that their unused equivalency points for the week simply would disappear at midnight. Fueled by the promise of “free” food, the “Weekly 14” students quickly began to funnel into Lisa’s CafĂ©. “I was in a state of shock more than anything. Seeing that wall of items ranging from chocolate Teddy Grahams to diet lemonade powder felt like seeing 40 of your children drowning, and only being able to

Read more Local, No. 88
« Older Entries Recent Entries »