Category Archives: Local

Tennessee Freshman Learns True Meaning of Halloween

One comment

EVANSTON — Bienen Freshman Tricia Williams, originally from Maryville, Tennessee, recently learned the true meaning of Halloween. After talking to some students from the Chicago area (really Wilmette and Naperville), Williams was shocked to buy priligy online without prescription learn that her previous beliefs about Halloween were absolutely and completely wrong. She said, “I thought costumes were about being someone other than yourself. Instead of just asking, ‘What are you going to be?’ people here ask, ‘How much clothing are

Read more Local, No. 91

Police Arrest ‘78 Alumna for “Tryna Get Shwasty” at Homecoming

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Eileen Schneider, WCAS ’78, was arrested this weekend for belligerent behavior and public indecency during a homecoming event on Deering Meadow, according to new reports from the Evanston Police Department. She had been yelling obscenities across the meadow and flashing gentlemen coming in and out of Kellogg. Schneider was stunned by her arrest and by the harsh campus rules that have “poisoned this university.” “I was just tryna get a little shwasty up on Sheridan,” Schneider said as

Read more Local, No. 91

Asshole Frat Brother Secretly Loves Telling People to Take a Lap

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Reports stemming from the Rho chapter of the Tappa Tappa Keg fraternity indicate that brother Ben Nickerson, a Weinberg junior, secretly loves turning people away from the fraternity’s numerous events and social engagements. “Just the look on these people’s faces when you tell them to walk around the block, it’s hysterical,” said Nickerson, casually lounging on the house porch, Solo cup in hand. “They look like you just told them Christmas is cancelled. They just don’t believe they

Read more Local, No. 90

Defensive Line Benched for Fashion Faux Pas

One comment

EVANSTON — Although there has been a lot of hype around the recently ranked Northwestern Football team, the Wildcats will be playing this Saturday without their starting defensive line. As the Northwestern community has long been aware, the team has a strict dress policy on weekdays: a Northwestern Football sweatshirt with a complementary pair of gray or black sweat pants. Any attempt to disobey this policy results in severe punishment. This past Monday, the defensive line boldly disregarded the rules,

Read more Local, No. 90

Northwestern Feels Awkward Asking Seth Meyers to Come Two Years in a Row

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — The six Northwestern students who actually watch Around the Horn rejoiced when the university named J. A. Adande to lead Northwestern’s 2012 Homecoming parade. “This is an event all Northwestern students look forward to, and I could not be more honored to reveal our Homecoming Marshal as
 shit, what’s his name?” announced President Morton Schapiro earlier this month. The announcement culminated a long and often frustrating search for an important public figure. “Do you think we’d be coming

Read more Local, No. 90

Daily Northwestern Forced to Lay Off Slave Drivers after Losing Advertisers

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — A long-standing tradition of excellence and diligence took a huge hit last week when The Daily Northwestern laid off all of their slave drivers in light of recent reductions in their advertising revenue. “Yeah, we saw that we were in the hole, we figured our only option was to slash all these Eastern Europeans we have running around here,” said Alex Harrison, editor-in-chief. “But I sure will miss the pained moans of all our beat reporters as those

Read more Local, No. 90

Entire Population of Long Island Goes Missing

Leave a comment

LONG ISLAND, NY — In a bizarre coincidence, Northwestern University welcomed students’ family and friends for their annual family weekend from Friday October 19 to Sunday October 21, and the entire population of Long Island, New York has gone missing. “Where’d they go?” cried Syosset Mayor Rich Goldman. The island’s population was discovered missing on Friday night, when nearby Manhattan resident Aaron Weiner drove up to surprise his sister, her husband, and their two kids. “I was feeling lucky because the

Read more Local, Nation, No. 90

Willie the Wildcat Gains Freshman 15, Says “It’s All fur”

Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern bloggers took to their Macbooks this week after photos of a noticeably fluffier Willie the Wildcat began circulating after Tuesday night’s marching band practice. While NU’s favorite feline denies he’s gained even a little bit of the freshman 15 during his 79th year at college, sorority member Katie VanHousen of Neva Eta Bagela recently tweeted one of the now infamous photos with the hashtags “#ewwwww,” “#SOGROSS,” and “#totalfatty!” “It’s just FUR!” the embarrassed mascot meowed to a

Read more Local, No. 89

Weinberg Senior Unearths Massive Northwestern Conspiracy

Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The “Nothing Happened” Rock is an inconspicuous pinkish rock near Annie May Swift Hall that decrees that “On this site in 1897 Nothing Happened.” The mysterious and perplexing rock has captured the attention of Weinberg senior Andy Atkins, an anthropology and geology double major, who has been studying the rock for three years. Atkins believes that the rock covers a secret entrance to Northwestern’s underground society, Deru. “I never trusted that shady group,” said Atkins, “and when I

Read more Local, No. 89

With Family Weekend Looming, Students Clean Room for First Time

Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Approximately one month after leaving home for the first time, dozens of underclassmen have been frantically cleaning their dorm rooms for the first time ever. During their first month of college, these students have been continuously lying to their parents about their cleanliness and organizational habits, saying that college forces them to be much more on top of things than they were back home. In an attempt to sell the lie to their parents when they come to

Read more Local, No. 89
« Older Entries Recent Entries »