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Northwestern Women’s Lacrosse Team Turns Water into Wine

May 22, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Several members of the Northwestern Women’s Lacrosse Team, who (hopefully) just won their fifth national championship in as many years, are able to turn water into wine and perform other miracles, according to several sources close to the team. “We went to a party to celebrate the championship,” said senior leader Hannah Nielsen, “but it was already dry. Luckily, that’s no problem for us. They fetched us some tap water, and the party really got started.” Attendees of the party

Paper Clip Found Mauled on Side of Road

May 22, 2009 Scott Grindy Leave a comment

SKOKIE—The corpse of a local paper clip was found dead on the side of Interstate 94 late last night. The condition of the body made it difficult to recognize. After reconstructive analysis, the clip was identified as Clippy [actual name], a local office assistant. The last known photograph of the victim is shown to the left. “While I won’t comment on the condition of the body, I will say that he won’t be helping anyone format any outlines in the

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Alcoholic Turns Down Free Natty Light

May 15, 2009 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In a shocking move last Thursday morning, Joe “No Liver” Guggenheim, a local convenience store night-shift manager and alcoholic, turned down an offer of a free case of Natty Light. The offer came when the brothers of Tappa Tappa Keg realized that they bought more beer than they could fit in their car. The fraternity was stocking up for a big weekend bash to celebrate the coming of a full moon. Upon seeing Mr. Guggenheim drunkenly stumbling down the street

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Pick-Staiger Concert Hall Annexed by North Shore Retirement Hotel

May 8, 2009 Kevin Soter Leave a comment

EVANSTON—To the profound joy of the local senior community, the North Shore Retirement Hotel announced its acquisition of Northwestern’s Pick-Staiger Concert Hall yesterday. North Shore proprietor Bernie Segal explained his decision today in a heavily-attended press conference at Pick-Staiger. “It just seemed like the logical choice,” said Segal. “All of my residents were spending every evening at Pick-Staiger, so now we can save on transportation costs and give our residents the convenience they’ve been demanding.” When asked about the takeover,

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For One Day, Trekkies Get to Be Cool

May 8, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Devoted fans of the Star Trek franchise, referred to informally as Trekkies, rejoiced yesterday as JJ Abrams’ critically acclaimed Star Trek prequel hit theaters last weekend. “Finally,” said local Trekkie Stephen Geary, “we Trekkies can get the respect we deserve.” He then made a “V” sign between his middle and ring finger and added, “Live long and prosper.” With hordes of moviegoers attending the new film, Trekkies have been able to share their knowledge of Trek trivia. “It’s great,” explained

New Student John Wilkes Booth Suspiciously Good at “Assassins”

May 1, 2009 Scott Grindy Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Transfer student John Wilkes Booth has been on an “Assassins” rampage lately, “killing” six targets last night with surprising cunning and skill. As the game comes down to its final players, many are calling Booth the favorite because of his sneak tactics. “He just came out of a supply closet and hit me right between the eyes,” said Shmabraham Shmincoln, one of Booth’s victims. “It was really creepy, now that I think about it. The whole time he had this

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Oh Shit, It’s 4/20!

April 17, 2009 Scott Grindy Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Oh shit it’s 4/20! Shit shit shit! What time is it? Holy 11:37!? That means I have … let me see … carry the three … 12 hours and 33 mi…no wait 12 hours and 24 minutes to smoke! Where’s my stash, closet closet closet … crap it’s all gone! Must be Josh, that fucking weed-stealing d-bag, fucking stole all my fucking weed … where can I get some bud? Let me call Karl, he’ll have some … connecting …

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Vending Machines Stocked In Preparation of 4/20

April 17, 2009 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

EVANSTON—With April 20th looming, as every year, just on the heels of April 19, vending machines across the country are being restocked and fortified against the impending onslaught of stoners who “could really go for some Ho-Hos right now.” In dorm buildings and break rooms everywhere, vending machine companies are seeking to prepare themselves for the sudden demand for their services that occurs every year on Hitler’s birthday, knowing full well that insufficient preparation could lead to disaster. It is

NU Students Sue University for Misuse of Word “Spring”

April 11, 2009 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In a press release issued late last week, a previously unknown coalition of Northwestern students from California and Florida announced that they would be suing the University for “misuse of the word ‘spring’.” This legal action comes after the discovery that weather during Spring Quarter was neither warm nor sunny. “It’s just not fair,” whined a member of the group who spoke to The Flipside on condition of anonymity. “When I saw the words ‘Spring Quarter,’ I assumed that it

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Chicago Out of 2016 Olympic Race after Committee Tours South Side

April 3, 2009 Anant Shah Leave a comment

CHICAGO—The International Olympic Committee’s (IOC) five day tour of the city was cut short late Sunday evening. Members began arriving on Thursday at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport and were welcomed by a colorful display of 2016 Olympic banners and flags. Mayor Daley was on hand for the IOC’s arrival. “We’ve been planning this for a long time. We have to put a lot of time and money into this; we’ll try to impress the [committee] as much as possible. It