“This is GREAT news!” said Weinberg sophomore George Philburn, Bobb resident. “It’s such a chore to have to walk all the way into Evanston to get some booze. Now I can get hammered before my Orgo lecture. That should really help the information set in.”
With registration for Northwestern University’s 40th annual Dance Marathon closing Oct. 25, many students are debating the merits of dancing for 30 hours. The Flipside asked proponents of two opposing viewpoints to present a list of reasons for and against participating in DM.
“Where will we stop next?” Couric tweeted. “I don’t know, but I’m really looking forward to some Edzo’s! #NOM #OSUSucks #alsoWisconsinandMinnesota”
“When I come in and grab my grilled cheese and look out at all of the people sitting together whom I don’t know,” said Monroe, “I really don’t get that phased. That just means I can text my mom or read the newspaper.”
Silverman went on to explain that while the demand for other majors may wane in the future, the need for Mohels will be constant. “Engineers are all going to be unemployed once the economy collapses, doctors are all going to be replaced by pills one day. But, as long as Jews keep making baby boys, there are going to be good jobs for Mohels.”
Given the success and unanimous support of Northwestern University’s Associated Student Government’s latest move to ban on-campus tobacco possession, student representatives recently proposed a large number of additional bans designed to improve student life.
“You know, most people just go through the game and do what you’re supposed to,” stated Obama. “I am the kind of guy that likes to kill every single damn person in the game. Twice. This is easier said than done.”
McKinley explained that referees have always held a grudge against your team but no one quite remembers why. For that reason, they feel obligated to overlook “holding” calls, declare touchdowns invalid, and penalize your team for false starts at every opportunity.
“I got this idea to test whether people would act differently around me while I was drunk, so I pretended to be drunk,” Taylor added. “I had a few drinks, of course, but only so people would believe that I’d been drinking.”
When the Gophers began to score, the article, along with Olsen’s mental state, took a turn for the worse. Close friends witnessed Olsen banging on her keyboard furiously, shouting various slurs against Minnesotans and gophers.