“Pass the Gardettos,” you say? Is that what you want? Tell me, what IS a Gardetto? Is it the rye chips? Is it the teeny tiny crunchy bread sticks? Is it the unsalted yet delicious pretzels? No! A Gardetto is not any of those things! I have some news for you, bub! A Gardetto is not a food. It is not a snack. It is not a plural noun. It is a name. Do not tell me to pass you
PARIS — Three weeks into his two-month Study Abroad program, rising senior Jimmy Bullock confirmed today that he has successfully completed Season 4 of critically-acclaimed drama Breaking Bad. The AMC program, which begins its 6th and final season this August, was reportedly savored by Bullock in binge-watching marathons during free evenings and weekends while other students in the program were taking advantage of their once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to explore Europe. “This program is fantastic!” Bullock gushed in a recent blog post,
MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Former NSA analyst Edward Snowden has evaded the clutches of his pursuers once again by cleverly adopting the disguise of a terrified, disheveled 60-year-old. Snowden’s continued freedom is believed to hinge on his new appearance being a sharp departure from the now-familiar photo of a fresh-faced 29-year-old idealist interviewed in a Hong Kong hotel room just two weeks ago by The Guardian. Multiple sources report that Snowden first adopted his new disguise while trapped in a Moscow
Seth Rogen’s latest movie, an apocalyptic comedy entitled This Is the End, really isn’t the end of his signature pot-fueled humor. Rogen, along with costars James Franco, Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill, Danny McBride, and Craig Robinson, try to push their interpretation of the rapture as far as it can go before audiences find it too immature or too grotesque. Ironically playing their own depraved selves, the ensemble cast managed to incorporate not only projectile vomit and Michael Cera as a
EVANSTON — Northwestern’s top-tier sororities have made it clear that they strongly oppose the Panhellenic Association’s proposal for the setting of a price ceiling in the cute guitar-playing boy market. The cute guitar-playing boys, referred to as GPBs, face a huge spike in demand during Big/Little Week, during which sororities anonymously shower their new “Littles” with gifts, food, movie parties, and the chance to be serenaded by a GPB in front of other Littles. Sarah Smith, an Economics major and
CHICAGO — Thousands of Chicago Bulls fans rushed to the United Center today to hear Derrick Rose’s press conference, at which Rose stunned fans when he proclaimed, “I’m taking my talents to Giordano’s.” Rose declared that he would not be participate in the 2013-2014 NBA season. Instead, he will devote his time to pizza modeling. Rose is famous for his Giordano’s marketing campaign, a product that has been largely responsible for Chicago’s rampant obesity problem. “I love playing basketball, and
EVANSTON — Earlier this week, students discovered graffiti on the sides of Northwestern’s iconic Arch. The graffiti was written in Chinese, reading “I’m only here since I didn’t get accepted into an Ivy school.” Michael Li, one of the students who saw the message, said, “It was easy to miss since everybody is either texting or pretending to read the flyers on the sidewalk to avoid making eye-contact with anyone, but I looked up at just the right moment and
EVANSTON — A gathering last Tuesday invited students to congregate in a free-form but intentionally vague way on the lawn that is somewhere kind of near the rock. This event encouraged students to do whatever they felt like doing during this ambiguous gathering of specifically organized use of public space. Hosts felt it was important to send a message to university administrators that our public spaces should be more freely accessible to students by angrily yelling grievances and reading poetry.
EVANSTON — Student groups including ASG, Alianza, and the Diversity Club held an open forum on the topic of diversity last week that has successfully ended any acts or thoughts of racism on the Northwestern campus. “This is just a massive relief for everyone on campus. Racism and ignorance have been such divisive issues here, and I’m glad that because we talked about it, we don’t have to worry about it anymore,” said ASG President Ani Ajith. Students all around
As a reminder that there are indeed a few creatures more primal than a Tappa Tappa Keg brother 15 shots deep into his senior year Dillo Day, The Flipside‘s investigative team has compiled reports of animals from around the world too savage for even the mud-soaked mosh pit during Wiz Khalifa’s set. The Belarusian Beaver If you think you were ravaged by the 10/200 you received on your last Orgo midterm, think again. On Wednesday, May 29th, 2013, a fisherman