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The Flipside Would Like to Apologize

March 7, 2013 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

For the first time in its storied existence, The Onion has issued an apology for its content. Many were outraged when “America’s Finest News Source” targeted 9-year-old Best Actress nominee Quvenzhané Wallis with a tasteless expletive, forcing Onion, Inc. CEO Steve Hannah to post a contrite note of regret on his site’s front page. After thorough discussion amongst The Flipside’s executive board and preferred astrologists, we have come to the decision that it is in our best interests for The

Pledge Mom Tells Her Pledge Daughter She Was Pledge Adopted

March 6, 2013 Ben Castleman Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Delta Delta Delta Delta Sophomore Allison Gordon did not have a Pledge Reveal night as joyous as the rest of her sorority sisters. In fact, she had been dreading the evening all week. She decided, out of respect and love, that her Pledge Daughter, freshman Rachel Solomon, was finally ready to learn that she was Pledge Adopted. “I never thought I was going to Pledge Adopt a baby, but the circumstances called for it. Her real Pledge Mother

This Week in the Supreme Court, Vol. I: King Challenges Maryland’s Sovereignty

March 6, 2013 Brian Lee Leave a comment

On Thursday, the court heard arguments for Shelby County v. Holder. The case asked whether sections of the Voting Rights Act are still constitutional, considering that a black guy is the president.

NU to Promote Diversity on CAESAR, Change System’s Name to “SACAGAWEA”

March 5, 2013 Allison Ortega Leave a comment

EVANSTON — After considering the exorbitant amount of time each Northwestern student spends on CAESAR attempting to register for classes every quarter, administrators at Northwestern thought the online portal would be the perfect place to continue their push for campus diversity. Northwestern officials have not yet provided any specific plans about how they will make CAESAR more diverse, so The Flipside has constructed a list of suggestions on how to proceed. 1. Rename CAESAR “SACAGAWEA” – Trust us, there are

Obama Puzzled That Republicans Didn’t Compromise to Avoid Getting Exactly What They Wanted

March 5, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — Sequestration began March 1 when Congress failed to pass any legislation that would allow the government to avoid the massive spending cuts. President Obama was reportedly “saddened and disappointed” that House Republicans did not meet his demands of a “balanced approach” of tax increases and spending cuts to evade the sequestration, especially since Republicans seemed to be “going Democrat” with their recent statements supporting gay marriage. Speaker of the House John Boehner said in a press conference, “What

Pope Emeritus Relieved to Give up Teaching Sunday School, Focus on Research

March 4, 2013 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

VATICAN CITY — Thursday, February 28th marked a monumental day for the Roman Catholic Church, as Pope Benedict XVI switched his red loafers for burgundy and became the first Pope to cede the papacy since the Middle Ages. Prior to his official retirement, the College of Cardinals voted to award Benedict with honorary title of Pope Emeritus, to which Benedict responded, “It’s the least they could do, but I’ll take it. The whole time I was Pope, those tightwads in

What Do You Think about BJ Novak, A&O’s Winter Speaker?

March 3, 2013 Flippy Leave a comment

“BJ…lol.”

Cop Gets Denied at the Door of Tappa Tappa Keg

March 3, 2013 Ben Castleman Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Police officer Bob Hankervich went to the frat quad this previous Saturday night to investigate reports of underage drinking. As he walked up the stairs to the frat in question, Tappa Tappa Keg junior George Kerry got ready to deny another dweeb. The cop approached Kerry assuming he would step aside, but instead he stood firmly in front of the door and offered a “what’s up bro?” with an introductory head nod. According to Northwestern Police records, Hankervich

Snooki, Chef Boyardee, and Pope Benedict XVI to Star in The Real World: Rome

March 2, 2013 Matt Clarkston Leave a comment

ROME — Italian and international fans alike are buzzing with anticipation for the premier of MTV Italy’s The Real World: Rome. New housemates Snooki and Chef Boyardee were both eager to start their new adventure. Snooki described it, “Oh my GAWD, like, I am just super ready to get to the house and, like, go to the club, and just get totally wasted and smush some hot Italian gorllas, since baby Lorenzo is with my mom in Poughkeepsie and what

Vatican Levels Playing Field by Instituting Affirmative Action in Pope Election

March 1, 2013 Janesh Rahlan Leave a comment

VATICAN CITY — With Pope Benedict XVI resigning this week to focus on his rap career, the Vatican is scurrying to find a worthy replacement. However, due to the cost of the Church’s golden and elaborate hats, the Papacy’s finances are in trouble. As a result, the Vatican is pushing for more affirmative action to obtain grants from organizations advocating for racial equality worldwide. The first choice for Pope is a man from Ghana, Cardinal Peter Kodwo Appiah Turkson. When